almost perfect

my idea of happiness (at least for now) is cuddled in my room, ambient music on, clean, smelling and feeling good, surrounded by bunch of cookies and paddle pop :D

though the idea in my head would be much otherwise. drink in hand, swagging w my bunch of imaginary cool friends, dressed to the nines, cheersing to tomorrow and le panda in my arms :D and of course, lotsa awesome noms!

lol superficial much. but a bunny only live once. and she practically hasn't. :(

so here's to 2013. i have not and have no plans for any new year resolutions this year. *shrugs* i just don't. perhaps learning is a curve so steep it's to be adjusted almost every day. so a year's resolution would be not sufficient.

p/s: i hve only a few short hours left for the paris and bali pics. guess they won't be making it. wuwuwu
but i'm glad i manage to edit the pics in summer in time looool though they're pretty random but all the happy times!!! i missed them so. and i editted them in a color that represented that it was in the past, and in giin cheong's words 'almost perfect'. <3

missing moscow.

they say misery is baaaaaaaaaaaaaad. i agree. but there are things one need to pour out and it's not necessarily that depressing. maybe not.

you know what missing something really does to you? it's like this crazy ambition that one has but can never ever be fulfilled. think of a deceased love one. such is life. what cruel pranks they throw at us.

but again. we're only minions.

so... as i was saying. i really missed moscow. i didn't know i'd come to this, but i am really missing it by the tonnesss. never thought i'd say this or it'd come to this. or at least this degree.

i'm missing the small walkways that i was so familiar with. in frunzenskaya. after tuitions. the ones that i'd take to go the apt 111. le sigh. the neighbourhood mall. the riv gosh inside that always provided some calmness. and good deals fml. the bus ride from universitet! speaking of which, i miss the beautiful university. esply the route over the moskva river! love it! overlooking the city and the stadium :) and the lush green the city's enveloped in. i also miss some of the metro stations. the usual ones. but now so many popped up in my head. i'm missing all of the beautiful ones. i also miss tverskaya. the place where me and le panda always have our time together. sushi times. time filled w so much love and laughter. LOVE. our usual sushi joint near bolshoi. yaposha. their fried sushi roll. oh god. i absolutely miss all the time we spent there. as we always had special occasions spent there. or not. :) i miss being w le panda in foreign places. it gives a solitude feeling that we are both in it together and we'll come out safely and surely. i miss the malls. because i'm so familiar w them. and i didn't have to converse w anyone other than my inner self fml. metropolis and atrium. oh god. thank goodness H&M is here. i must thank the gods up there if there were any. H&M here is god sent. it totally brought europe over. it feels like being in europe when one's in it. and i can't be more thankful. back to moscow. i also miss that stretch of road from the sportiv monastry all the way to christ the savior. you can hop on to the bus and take it all in. i've always loved that route. esply when traffic's much quieter. the park, memories w sararah. that light blue very chic cafe. that i wish so much i could afford a second visit if not more. that stretch of road dotted w our uni's depts. they actually look very nice indeed. this nostalgia for this street cos stem from the earlier days back in second year when i used to play volleyball, to classes, and then the yearly trip to other cities, and meeting up w the sportiv bunch near sportiv. yes those were exciting times when we all felt like brothers and sisters from the same uni :) i LOVED the annual intervarsity sports event. always bringing us together and showing us different things. i also missed the boy's place. apt 111. held a very special place in my heart. where really special people hung together. and special moments back there. i wished i knew le panda's buddies and friends way earlier. ppl like charsiewpao too. i wish. i miss my hostel too. that familiar path walking 'home' for so many years. i can remember everything so clearly. everything. my room. our shared toilet and corridor. how life was when one's  student and practically and i can safely say, carefree! where i could cook my life away and live life worry-free. life was good and i didn't know it. friends that i could pop over and knew my brothers will be there. buddies like hgc and aty. bros for life :)

i miss everything.

and i'm letting all the emotions get to me.

in retrospect.

hey there. i just realized the year's ending soon. so so soon! one more day and it's hellow 2013. new year's resolution? none. anything to reflect upon? not much. other than that occasional, now much faraway dreams of all the travelling and memories of le panda. work has seeped much happiness and hope from me. but i won't let it do so today. i'm done w that. now let's move on :)

10 to 15 years' time. sounds like a horrible amount of time. *gulps*

perhaps knowing what i want in the future is a good enough goal and then achieveing them. the q is how.

self discipline self discipline self discipline.

or shouldn't we all just LIVE IN THE MOMENT?

life.

and i'd like to thank richdad very very very much. for everything. i couldn't say this enough. i teared today thinking how he's really aging up and his 'motors' and bolts and nuts are slowly falling apart. :( i just can't own up that he's getting older and one day we all would go back to where we came from. :((

sigh.

such is life. a big show.
the q is to impress and leave a mark, or not.

hopeless

such a still night tonight. i wish there's a stir of wind, a hello.
from you. to keep the leaves a-flutter.
why won't the stream flow smoothly?
why won't you throw the stone to keep the ripples going?

here i am. stuck in the mud. planted at my feet by everything that i made myself build.
the ice melted and froze. again and again.

the only problem is how i kept letting the mistake repeat itself again.
just cos i can't help it.

le sigh.

Best feeling on earth? Sleeping in on a sunday morning! Lazing around in bed! Omg!! Priceless.

/it's a pity you put all the brussel sprout times behind you. now you get a taste of. waiting.
hang in there. you.

tribal me!

i feel so powerful now LOL. no kidding. like i could afford anything in the world. but who am i kidding!



swatch.com

so prettteeeehhhh everything's so tempting...... god.

and i'm thinking of bohomeian ever more for my new room. if i have one. eeeeeeeeeeeeeep

i'm so getting them saree and what nots. plush chushions. curtains. dark purple and fuchsia. that shade of blue/green. gold threads. a place for me to sit and read. ;)

but oh well. we're all going to die anyways. *shurgs*



source 

cute!!!!

dday

so apparently tmrw's doom's day. so? life goes on. as far as i'm or mny others are concerned.

life just goes on. and moves on.

and forgets.

i won't mind. and i need to start doing something if i were to survive the apocalypse.

sometimes, dreams do come true. mini ones for me. the world is sooooooo big and vast. ppl of all different personalities and thinkings and visions. and many dream big. really big.

i just want you to know

i'm not one of them.

feels like home.

basking in the warmth of yellow lights. christmas tree at a corner all decked w ornaments and fairy lights. rain pouring on a quiet sunday night. *yawns* i could get used to this.

love in the christmas air.

listening to jazzy songs, and thinking of you. how we love the same things and enjoy each other's company. i think i'm officially.. love sick. where's ella fitzgerald when you need her? my heart and soul could use some patching. ironically, when saying all these, i don't feel that bitter or sour. not at all. maybe it's the magic and wonder of christmas. lending a flavour of romance and i don't know, new york to it. life is good. with jazz :)

and i love how i know i'll be absolutely fine.

though my heart's absolutely missing so many. places, faces, moments.
i'm aching to do so much more! to know more people, to have more friends in life. to explore more, places, tastes, scenes. hungry for so much more feelings, knowledge and anticipating for that one eureka if not more.

i've been allowing myself to some 'mini travels' with instagram when i have some spare time at hosp or in btwn things. good god what took me so long to discover instagram! i didn't know it's more than polaroids. it's absolutely about oggling all the wonderful and breathtaking pics and places that everyone's creating at every freaking corner of the world. i mean paris, europe, NEW YORK, japan. everything. what took me SO LONG. nothing can express my love for instagram now. love love love.

now back to the books. with my christmas jazz :)

<3 bunny.

Why do I get the feeling that adulthood means a lot of being on one's one. Thank goodness I'm much better now and absolutely okay having meals on my own. No qualms about that. I used to squimer just by the thought of it.

Now I have char kway teow by the roadside, drenched wet from the rain and eating in the dark. No thanks to perodua that has to turn off their showroom lights.

Been aching for a mall therapy so ot was jusco solo. Somehow this household mall has this warm homely feeling for me. Maybe it has a lot to do w growing up w all my life. I felt much better walking through the boutiques, the departmental unit, the supermarket and the bakeries.

As lonely as it might sound. I don't feel that lonely at all. I'm just happy that I have the freedom and time to have some time of my own and do whatever I want.

Come Monday n I hope I can explore serembantown a lil more. Nom nom nom.: )

A bunny hnm shirt that I eyed m tried in moskauland but din get bcos of the cutting n the bnw color. But the bunnnniessssss.....

Also a butterfly Simple vintagey belt I got wheee

There's also a pair of pj shorts in pink n lace n white bunny. Omg schoo cute but not cheap so I din get it.:( fml. Still payless wtf

Loving fos for bringing in hnm stuffss! I see a lot of stalking soon!

I'm hungweee

down the memory lane....

fb just had to have this 2012 in review, for if not for it i wouldn't even be aware that the year is wrapping up already! though i don't know why i wasn't aware.. i mean i'm perfectly clear that it's December, but it just doesn't feel like end of the year. my circadian clock has the 'western' system to thank for. my year practically starts in autumn, september!

gah! i had something to blog about the other day, but now that i haven't mention about it, it just faded away like that. :(  well before i forget, i'm really having the best time since i first came here. if you ask me, i've never been better since i first stepped foot here. no plans of going back to kl yet. since early dec. but will do so for christmas! for that annual christmas eve dinner! seal will be back too :)) everyone else! so happy! we've always had it but i've since been mia since my christmases in wintermoskauland. well despite snow-free, i'm really glad i'm spending it w family again! and of course the food! i still rmbr asking them to keep for me last time, and now it's christmas again! DOES TIME FLY OR WHAT! touche!

so happy!

so this fb review just made me feel so nostalgic about every single thing. so sentimental. wtf. fml. i'm missing every speckle of dust and bacteria that ever cme into contact w me. srsly. sick. but i'm so touchy touchy now looking back all that has happened in the year. and that's not even all that has happened. so many other pics are not up. to think of it - in paris. in bali. graduation. now i wish i did. so i could really have a proper review. but fml getting them bali pics are pretty impossible. i really truly feel that taking pics are practically and literally making moments. in stills. and i love everything bout that. for when that very scene and angle was frozen into pixels, i'll always have that in my mind as well. just by looking back at the pic would draw back the same feeling, the same sentiments, the sights, the touch, the smell, EVERYTHING. it's like a unlocking a floodgate at times. and i love every bit of it. 

i really should get a siew pao for myself tmrw or on my post call this sunday. i really deserve something good sometimes :)

boho dreaming

now a big part of me wish i have a room / place of my own so i can boho it up! imagine frabics, fuchsia and more fuchsia!!! it just had a eureka! i need to go get saree material for the room :D to hang as drapessss. omg omg i need a bed, a sidebed, sheets in deep purple or fuchsia, and some essence oil to burn.

a bunny can dream! :)

some inspirations:


source 



loving the wall covering! and the arrangement of wall deco


source 



fuchsia walls. enough said!

source 



source



cute lil chair!

source 



but after all is said and done, this could just turn out to be my room LOL

source 

back to the books zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

you know the sound that the insects make in the forests? within earshot from my room now. windows thrown wide open. lights off. light breeze.

bliss.

what are dreams made of.

good morning seremban :) today's the first day since i first started off here waking up to a big bright beautiful morning. on a sunday nonetheless! this feeling is somehow priceless. to know you could take some time on your own, have a nice breakfast/brunch, perhaps a drink in the noon and some reading. just taking things slowly.... bliss.

i feel like looking at all the beautiful things the world can offer. but right now, i feel like.. fashion. architecture. good movie. and lol bubble tea w pearl. or really, any green tea frap.

somehow i'm still thinking about the other day when that thought hit me- what's the role of a doctor? must we always be restrained to the ward, doing the all-important rounds, or can we further explore beyond the walls of hospitals and clinics and move into the another 'real-world' of suffering as well, fulfilling our responsibility w voluntary works. i wouldn't mind at all when i still can, and if i have the skills and know-how.



got this for my phone though it's a lil too kiddy. but i guess needed the constant reassurance.

wake up call

was wrapping up my discharge summaries today and the news flashed in front of me - japan, tsunami, earthquake, 7.0. i thought to myself, how it's going to affect us? for all that we do is stay in the ward the whole day. we wouldn't even know, let alone say bother. it's so nauseating to know that we can and have become so oblivious at times. which is also pretty depressing, to think of it.

which makes me really wonder what is our 'core' or purpose in life?

a part of me wish i know emergency managements and know enough to join MSF or voluntary teams like these.

Actually a big part of me didn't want to go back to kl because I think it's bout time for detachment. But now that I went home, no matter which one, I feel Like I can't do it anymore. Like the base to the previous confidence has all crumble down down down.

Sigh. Appreciating all d Love n help. Kf and mummy panda n m mummy bunny.

Gd night

din mention this in the previous post but, one of the reason why i didn't feel like going back to kl was because i didn't want to have to go through the whole shitty feeling of dying inside me upon departing and all the way back.

sigh.

yes i'm back after 2 days. yes 2 days is awesome indeed. but i wish i didn't have to come back or to work at all. i pretty much am sure i hate this :(

just need to hang in there.

birthday girls.

its been 6 weeks and finally the knot within my heart has gradually loosened. yesterday was pretty much the first off day that i didn't feel the strong urge to come flying back, but universe has its own way of dealing matters, of course. just let me go off track a wee bit, i was done by 7 but had to wait till 8 for shift to end, so meanwhile i served my time as a good samaritan for dear fren and colleague yanana :) but didn't manage much w an hour. left like the earliest ever from hosp for home, but like i said of universe, got stuck in traffic on highway -___- so took me another hour or so.

ok let me steer back into my point. it being that i'm finally much 'stable' w my emotions and workload. and woohoo! voila good news! i got another day off for the week i think. so... i'm now in, you guessed it, second home :) but what i'm trying to illustrate here is also that i have so many second homes. i've been leaiding a nomadic lifestyle out of 4-5bags (depending if pinky's w me lol) and life was a flurry of uncertainties. of looking for that floater to hang on for life. so i won't drown. but now i don't feel like drowning anymore :)

however, i decided to go home still for mummy bunny's birthday, which fell on sunday so we celebrated it on tuesday on my off day. which was a pretty fun day, i had to say :) mummy had fun too, i'm glad. practically speaking, we celebrated both our birthdays together since it's only a week apart, and i basically didn't celebrate mine. don't ask :\

morning was gallery at balai seni lukis (of which i think i embraced too high a hope), then pavivi for brunch. spotted this dimsum place w lotsa goodies and luck has it that they were giving out 'longevity buns' sau pau for birthday boys/girls! i wasn't a candidate since my month has passed, but we got 2 super yummy and cute peaches :D in fact, they could just be the best item of the meal! after pavivi christmas deco appreciation we headed over to H&M! wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee finally! i got to satisfy this 'pain' in me. and loot was super awesome!!!! i got 2 beautiful dresses, one elegant emerald one that i've been lusting over since forever, since like before their shop was even open and i was salivating on their webpage wtf. and another is a swing dress but of foamy material. yeah, peach color :D i'm so happy though damage was quite bad but i think it's worth it! now i have something to wear for christmas! TEE HEE! (though having said that, i'm shamed by the fact that mummy still had to foot the bill. poor bunny is still not getting her enslavement dues) i also noticed that mummy bunny actually knows my taste. she'd know which dresses i'd love and also shoes! HOW CAN. i'd spot one from faraway and she'd tell me 'neh you'll like this one' *gasp* what has become of me. my mom's now my shopping partner. though strictly speaking, she always have been hahahahha. and she'd rmbr that i have something similar and stuffs like that. lol. so cute. also, i'd like to say this before i forget - mummy bunny is like the most 'wei da' (mulia cos there's no equivalent in english is there?) mom ever. she wouldn't spend half of that much on clothes herself but she didn't have to think when it comes to me. WTF mental note to self: treat your mom WELL BUNNNY LIKE SUPER WELL. i can't wait to buy her nice lunches and dinners, buy her good stuffs and spend on her. for holidays! :D it'd be my pleasure :)

oh we had a half-heartedly done massages as well. urgh. 

other than that, i still have yet to have my fix of sushi and bisou cupcake! and we've made it a point to go back to pavivi again next time! it's just so fun yesterday hehehe. can you believe it, when i was trying on clothes my mom was like 'come come i help you take pic' and then when we're home, proceeded to say, 'i tot took pic d then no need to buy the dresses' LOL WTF. mom's such a clown sometimes. well she has a kid in her, and i do think she only comes out to play w me. :)

i do feel the pinch when i left home, but mummy's got to work. so no one to play w bunny. so hopped on over to my sanctuary.

and while i'm at trivial matters, i do miss cooking! was at pasar malam and saw crunchy fresh cabbages and other veges! so tempted to pick up the ladle and pot again! also i  love the feeling of cooking up something yummy for loved ones. love love love. i wish i have fluffy red velvet cupcakes and guiness stout cake in cupcakes too! sigh. missing my panda! cos i've always had this luxury of requesting a cake for birthday every year but not this year. i didn't even get a cake. so i had brownie and ice cream at baskin robbins wtf.

it's okay my dresses are so beautiful :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD and i love my mummy bunny. in fact, i love everyone now :)))
may i add in a line or two here: life is also about perseverance. when we hold on tight and long enough on hard times, the better times would bound to come soon!

p/s: took many pics on phone, will try to upload them here  :D

//upadate: the pics are up! :)


pavivi for christmas :)


I'M HOMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE :DDDDD



i <3 you too H&M *sobs* was telling my mom if they have a life-time membership i'd be one definitely.


longevity peach buns for le birthday girl. super fluffeh and yumssss!


reminded of le panda everywhere i go :)

2/12

the seawater, the laid-back Spaniards and the amazing scene of San Sebastian - missing that. have been reminiscing all the good times i had travelling and trapezing over the few places i've been that touched my heart.

// 

reading KBF after so loooooong and all her kitchen adventures reminded me of how big my love was for cooking last time! but it's been so long i ever cooked. i don't even have the time to eat sometimes. but now i've been treating myself much better. i ensure that i drink enough water, pee pee enough (once a day in the daytime), have at least bread for lunch and also rice for dinner. yesterday was the first day after working for 6weeks that i had 2 meals in a day YAY ME. i esply love the weekend chicken dishes - lemongrass just never go wrong. anyhoo, it's like i'm coming back for a vengeance, i've been stuffing myself SILLY like cos i've been starved for so much so long. now i eat like a MONSTAAAAAA. in fact, i'm gaining the weight that i've lost, which should be and is a good thing. :D 

so happy.

well, i've been much happier at work now. maybe cos i've since changed ward *shrugs* i definitely like this place more :) and i hate my shift button. it's such an ass.

OK TOODLES for now. i wanna have some me time! watching tv series (i forgot to dl gleeeee wtf) and reading blogs and listening to lounge music teee heeeeeeeee <3 

// 

still missing and saying 'i love you' to le panda and vice versa every single day just cos i really do and i mean it. almost 3 months down and we're still doing this. 7 more to go. 

wanna go shopping to satisfy my craving but also i have this undying urge to SPLURGEEEEEE fml. now i understand why they do this. just cos you have to. like i feel like i bloody hell earn it. *bites* 

still haven't had my sushi and H&M!!!!
now i want my bisou cupcakes too!!

// 

ok toodles for realz. 

december without snow but it's still so cold.

funny what fun means to different people. amused, when i kept being told how 'having a life' is about watching movies after work and stuff... i snapped out of it after a bit remembering how going to the cinema isn't my thing at all. i'd prefer tea w cupcakes or tete-a-tete more than that anytime! i'm quite sure that's just personal preferences and nothing to do w 'having a life' so to speak.

i just realized too that my daily indulgence is chatting w le panda after a day at work. how it'd absolutely brighten my night lol. and on days that i get a day off, that would be being back in sj or kl, and spending time w family. that also includes aunty and uncle panda. absolutely darlings and sayang them so much :)

just being calm, happy and simple is enough for me. really. i don't need a lot.

not even movies :D

p/s: it's december already! marking 3months of ldr w le panda and almost 2months into medical *gasp* NEED TO STUDY.

calvin and hobbes

i can't be any more unlucky can i? w all the blood all over me and a flying cockroach landing right on me RIGHT after showering. well of course one can, and i'm not one asking for it. cos most of the time, i think i'm just either plain dumb or REALLY RAELLY freaking clumsy! like mistake is my second name. yeah.

i need to shake this 'loser' mentality to up my aura like seriously i'm not even joking.

tomorrow will be a better day! i shall learn more and fill up my logbook. or i could create fictitious patients. *gasp* i can be such a genius at times!

first night call!

today is practically the first day i saw seremban in daylight. against popular beliefs, there's actually traffic here *gasp* gonna go take a very slef-deserving nap no. didn't wink my eye off for more than few seconds yesterday night. i don't even feel like i lost a night.

i really don't mind it other than having to be all alone in the ward. well i won't mind if i know how to handle everything ...



back to....

25 years.

was driving and the radio on on my birthday and this song came up. how apt. 

25 years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
I realized quickly when I knew I should
That the whole world's made up of this brotherhood of man
For whatever that means

And so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out, what's in my head
And I, I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning and I step outside
And I take A deep breath and I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs,
What's goin' on


//

And I try, oh my God, do I try
I try all the time in this institution
And I pray, oh my God, do I pray
I pray every single day FOR A REVOLUTION!

And so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out, what's in my head
And I, I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning and I step outside
And I take deep breath and I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs,
WHAT'S GOIN' ON!!

//

25 years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination

paris nights and new york morning

have you ever missed someone so badly that it no longer feels like he's ever replaceable? that if i could, i'd run w my barefoot to him. because i'm this sure that he's that special someone for me. that i knew but didn't have the balls to put my neck on it. for i know a million years would come by and i wouldn't be able to find another one like him, who moulds us into one.

i'm just wandering, lost, back to everything that's familiar to us, to me. do you even know how it feels like? like i'm living in this parallel universe that we've always lived in, just you're no longer here now. you're not home, not sporting that cheeky smile, not everywhere that i look for. no face of yours, no voice of yours, no hands of yours. i'm scared and i'm waiting and waiting for you to hold my hands and hold me so tight to assure me that everything's going to be alright. that i'm going to be alright. that we're going to be just fine.

i'm having so many luggages that this lil white boat is sinking.

i just wish to see you and hold you and kiss you before i go.

and know everything's going to be okay.

 

that very nook you said was so cozy and it was

 

pierre hermes macarons w you on eiffel tower, why did we even do that? 

 

the glorious glorious chocolate and banana french crepe, boy we were on heaven! 

this is for you my love. 

i really don't think i can say enough of how much i miss you or how much i wish you're here. 

it's been almost 3 months. i can't believe it. 

i just wish when i open my eyes it'd be a year past, and i have you w me. 

and really, that's all that matters to me now.

running forward backwards.

feels like i'm going to explode but i'm really trying to hold everything in. so much inside to be expulsed, for the toxins to be released and my mind body to be cleansed. to be free. no one to listen. or should i say, i have decided that no one deserves to hear of such things. i have also decided that they're too shameful and gross to have time wasted on mentioning or to be shared with. life is more than this. more than ugly fights and even uglier intentions and disgusting thoughts that are equally confusing and embarrassing.

homecoming has never been this bad. i am going to save all my sarcasm. birthday has never been THIS BAD. it's always been moderately ok but this is probably.. the worst it has been.

i've been living a nomadic life. one by choice. i'm buiding sanctuaries of my own - safe rooms. where i feel so snugly home. and i'm so thankful for these guardians for providing the necessary and the security that i hang on to w my shaking fingers. i can't be more grateful.

i've been spending more time, tracing my footsteps and licking m y wounds in sj than in seremban ripping new ones this past week. some sort of escapism? for i don't have one in that torture-town. i'm still contemplating.

anyways, i'm really just trying to not think about the issue and pray hard that it would just dissipate like that off my skin, cos the fact is that things are not going to be better. things are not going to change, just cause ppl don't change so easily. unless there's death involved. and even so.... or something near death happened.

sometimes during one of those lonely drive-backs to/fro kl-sban, it just flashed in my head: so what is death? so what if i were to die now? would i hold any regrets? the only reason i'd hate to leave is to not know how my story would end. how it'd turn out later on. else i've got nothing.

so what is my purpose in life? as obsviously, i'm not meant to be a doctor. i'm not a good daughter no matter what i do. i'm not smart, and neither am i strong. i'm just this being - this existing thing that lives on everyday, looking and searching for something that i don't even know what, where, and how. i breathe but i don't live. i'm not seeing the bigger picture. i'm holding on the bits and scraps of facts and memories, struggling to make out the story.

sometimes, death doesn't seem like such a bad option at all. until you think of your loved ones.

i should really man up and own this shyt and stop sounding like a fucking pathetic victim. yes this is added on before i posted. i think i'm just missing and thinking of everything i had and used to have. gosh. what did i wanna say again?

i just need to plant this seed in my head: that i'm paving my own road to everything that i want in the future - to civil liberty, to financial freedom, to a life that i envision to have. LIFE. one that will be worth it when i look back to all this shyt.

Best birthday ever!

Fml

What an emo entry for birthday. Woke up to myself and it rained on my parade. Not gonna let it dampen my spirits unless the workshop ppl decide to. Eeeeeeeep.

25. What does it mean. Tuk tuk. Time for some reflection, perhaps?

25. W a job. Not loving it. But holding on. No income coming in. But hanging in there. No credit card. Cos I'm practically salary-less. No investments under my name. No knowledge enough to save my own ass most of the time. No pinky w me D:

But its not about what we don't have ain't that right? Its about being grateful n maxing out on whatever we have. Though not at the risk of straining relationships!

I feel like I'm at this point currently - I'm here but I'm not there. So what now? What do I do now?

More than once, I think that life is nothing but a big test. Everyones given different equipments to start off w. But One can choose to excel or to flunk it. 

But sometimes, I must admit its foggy to see the bigger good and goal ask to the reason why we must.

Bunny turns 25! Somehow no part of me feels like I'm of this age. I feel so... out of body. Like I'm living in this core that's so familiarly unfamiliar.

If I could have a wish, I wish I could be more tolerant. To people. To have more patience. I could use a lil more trust.

Having said that, I'm not wishing for more as I'm really really blessed to have many guiding figures taking good care of me. Lucky bunny.

Getting zzzzzz gosh I'm feeling the age catching up now or what! Or hopefully its the red wine kicking in!

things that melt my heart today: a pair of chinese middle-age couple on a red vintage vespa. :)

and the past few days: nice patients, and also saying goodbye and asking them to take care upon discharge. priceless.

because i am.

why do i feel like this perpetually hungry, powerless over-worked and unpaid child slave who deserves some real food, cha time and some H&M! RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

4 more days to hit 25. that's a quarter of a life (crisis). i'm still me, still harbouring that school girl mentality laced w perhaps a weeeee bit of cynicism and too quick to judge. also this laser thing attached on my face called mouth. sure didn't feel like 4 years since i'm legally an adult. and surely didn't expect this. to still not feeling like i belong. anywhere.

i cringe knowing i practically don't have a bunch of good frens to celebrate my 25th with, the way i visualize it. not like it matters that it's a birthday. just the fact that it IS pathetic. all i want is a night of unpretentious laughter and talks and good intentions and insider's jokes and memories and of course some good cocktails. oh god. what do i do with my misanthropy.  what have i done to myself. i don't hate knowing ppl. i just stop liking them further on.*gulps* yes i know i'm a monster.

daggers

Time. something that i come to learn to appreciate. how stealthily it slips through like sands leaving no chance of panting or catching your breath even; but how a glorious monster it is when spent at the a most familiar comfort circle of love. love. love.

like now. like how i'm surrounded by love and blessings now. right this instant.  

and then it's been a month.

And 2 months since i last held le panda and sent him off at that very spot 10 steps away from that escalator that we've always taken together.  together. what does it even mean to us anymore? we're together but not together per se. it baffles me sometimes; but i hang on by on threads of fleeting moments of us sharing chendols and indian rojak in ss1. i'm living and filling up that gaps in btwn spoonfuls of soy bean ice creams and blissful moments in london - but really, i don't think i can ever find anyone who compliments so well w me it hurts just to think about it.

it's beyond an understatement to say that i miss you because i miss you like crazy.

but then there's time. building up a bridge; a distance. something so solid you can't move it; you can't breathe should you choke. and then there's hope. that very light, not even rainbow after the rain. to know that everything's gonna be okay.

i'm writing this to you. from your very room. living in that hole you left me. i may be in your clothes, using your very comp to write this to you through the dimensions, and it may not reach you. but in our minds, we're of the same thoughts, in our hearts, the same love, and we're moulded into one. here i am, i'm weak, tears running down my face, an absolute mess but you know i'm all yours to keep.

i'm just buying time. buying enough time till i'm complete w you back here w me. and until our next adventure begins. again.

//

i read this somewhere pinned up on a ward: time is like a knife. if you don't cut it, it will cut you. i don't truly understand what it meant, but it sure hell is cutting me. 

honestly i don't know how long more i can do this.

hey you.

when all that you're holding on so tight are memories, memories of good times, perhaps even the best time of your life - it makes you wonder how long more you have to endure this ripping pain that's truly testing and tearing me apart.

i missed everything. every single thing.

the other face

the monster hiding in you came out to play. i can only imagine what darkness lies beneath that very persona that i've come to known for so long. though it's no intention of mine to find out exactly.

but i suppose everyone has their dark sides.

hellish

more often than not, i'm plagued and suffocated by this black piece of cloth. and it tightens its grab on my neck every single day but i can't speak about it i can't do anything about it but left to be strangled.

i am dying a slow death.

i wish someone somehow knows this pain and understands what i'm really trying to say.
with the right things to tell me too.

dealbreaker?

i feel like i've got so much to say, to rant, to wail, to cry about, and then to laugh about, to ponder upon, to shut the hell up about too... but above all, i have so much love to spread out to. so so much. i just need to find the right people.

//

i miss kl like crazy. like i've never did in the past 6 years in moscow 8118km away. i miss all the chinese food. the warmth of being at home and knowing that everything's going to be okay. to be in the pulsating city knowing it will garner you wealth if you look and work hard enough for it. i miss being an unemployed bunny.  being able to sleep w/o having to be plagued w nightmares of waking up late for work, worried sick about your pt's CT brain or US KUB :(

having said that, i'm enjoying loads bout the new friendships knitted here. though i'd love to have more time to get to know them more thereafter.

if only we could get a day off and head off to the beach or something!

instead, i think i'll be speeding my way through home. sharing richdad's sentiments, it was really a feeling i've never felt all my life upon seeing signboards bearing 'sempadan selangor darul ehsan', 'subang jaya', 'kuala lumpur', 'kompleks sukan negara' and 'cheras'. with each, my excitement heightens and my heart swells w delight. i don't even know how to explain this change in me that clings on to home so much.

absolutely didn't foresee this much-looked-forward-to-homecomings.

//

on other heart matters, i really do miss le panda a lot. it's really like a stable angina thing. only hurts when it's done so, when i casually gave it a thought. on other matters, i really should do the same too and be careful w where my heart lingers. some thoughts are dangerous to harbour.

but again, sharing sentiments w le richdad - sometimes we don't even know what we want in life.

Its been 6 days and finally a day off. A much needed one. Though I may feel the fatigue bt a bit off time is really good for the mind.

First off, I wanna talk bout this pt who"s blind on both eyes bt w the lost dedicated, gentle n loving wife. I really felt so much for them. Though he was blinded, he's really one of the sweetest, funniest and just down right sincere person i've ever seen. It just doesn't seem fair sometimes. Cos it really isn't.

Sleepy now n missing d wrong person. Good night. God I missed kl.

X

Dew drops of poison.

You're the very poison that stirs me awake at 5.30 every morning.

Stinging me w your drops of dew.

Though curing my curiosity, I'm now addicted for more.

Summertime sadness

Though I must say I'll never the same again.

Only lara del rey for now. For this.

Dont hate the player they say

You've dealt your cards but it was my game to lose. Now I know better that you're nothing but a player. A poker face even.

Your very feelings and intentions, are only yours to know and keep.

It was nice to know you while it lasted.

I've been truly tested.

Tales of small towns.

I'm up again at this familiar hour now at 5.30. Somehow it's easing up to me. Perhaps it is a subconcious thing my body interprets. As though my body is being primed by the mind.

Now I wish my brain gets some upgrading.

It rained pretty much the whole day yesterday but I liked the fresh air and cool whispy breese it brought along with. For also I felt like I am going through this sense of renewal - something like a huge pour would wash away. I'm surprised even the most die-hard guilt didn't survive too.
I'm not sure if it rained in moscow but I think it did n passed on my regards to the serene green paddy fields up north.

I'm pretty proud of myself that I'm still surviving now. To be honest, I didn't really feel fearful. I guess it just didn't come to mind. To be here in another state all by myself wo knowing anyone in d hosp.

So far I really have lady luck to thank for. Been really very lucky w many things and having many checking on me. I feel so so so loved.

The only thing I miss? Would be the city life.

I'd die trying to be a proud owner of a condo near klcc n just hang there. Walk over to BB for H&M, read at kinokuniya, have beef noodles near masjid jamek, n swim at d condo pool n have frens over for cocktails.

Wahhhhh I can have such big dreams and 'ambitious' eh? But a bunny can dream! And dream big she shall: )

God. Sometimes I think about it and really think that its a lil bit crazy to be away from kl again after all these years in shithole-land moscow.

But I guess whenever I feel jumpy about this decision of mine, i'd recall d reason as to rly why I decided so mich earlier on and I'm at peace again. Knowing this is fr the bigger good. No matter how hard it is fr me to even predict it'd turn out to be  in the future.

But really, sometimes I'm just thinking way too much.

Sentiments from a farmer's sungai.

I wish u din have to go so soon. Leaving me 'forever alone-ish'.

It is nice to have company going through the same thing.

It's been really nice: )

Still I wish u din have to go. But i wouldn't have gotten an x if not so.

Day 1 of work is not work! Lapor diri and many hours of waiting later I went home w cheras pau wtf.

Anyways no work means induction n orientation stuff starting tmrw.

I was busy looking fr spots where my 3g works: / half a day later battery dieded on me. That explains the 2 batts. Which I'm bringing tmrw. Hehe

*

Staying w le uncle n aunt is surprisingly fun. Helped out w uncle fr dinner and it cracks me up but melts my heart athe same time to be reminded of my dad. Thanks to my uncle's uncanny resemblance esply in the way that he speaks! God!

Defo a plus to stay here bt uncle's working in other state.. so.  

Today was many things, but one thing I must self remind is that I am a lucky bunny.

Perhaps its how we put things into perception too but like some said, we have to bring out the positivity out of things.

:)

Something broken but beautiful is in you. I can almost touch it.

A for a little bit.

Isn't it funny how a turned head w a wide smile can melt your heart and put an even wider one on yours the split second you allow it.

I am now in seremban. Day 1 of HO starts today since it's already 15th.

Current mood? Not so much of scared shyt but worried.

Tmrw will be just fine.: )

god why am i inflicting this upon myself :( it's just so easy to tell myself to not think about it and what-not, but brain or heart, i can't tell which already, just won't listen. :(

i just can't rest my mind now. i can't sleep. i need to know.

i need an explanation. or a closure. whichever it is.

this is bad.........

pilot.

Hi! this marks the end of something but the beginning of many more.

this is to the little bunny that's about to step up to life as it is.

whose heart is a sea of angry waves and mind of lost thoughts.

this may not be the right time for many things too :( but i guess life's a bitch like that. you only have one decision to make and either you stick w it (along w its consequences too) or you don't. making sure you don't have a chance of finding out forever how it would be if you've chosen otherwise.

this makes a rather shaky confusing first post. but i can't put this anymore verbal in any other ways.

oh god.