there's a kind of fear so bad it makes u wanna run and hide in a burrow and never face the world again. life is hard. reality's harder. but everyone's living it as it is. so why not me?

i'm just so scared to death.

a nest call home.

the thing about good things are - they don't last forever.

//

am so glad i took my free time before and after a night shift to go back to kl! yes that's during the weekend i know it sounds a lil cray cray to be going to KL early morning and then bck in the evening just in time for work, and then with an hour and half's sleep headed back home to kl again for the day! but it's weekend! and mummy bunny's in meaning le bunny gets some pamperin'!

mummy bunny's so happy to see meeeeeee!!!! always so warm to be welcomed home :D finally went 'home' at h&m, felt like the happiest girl in KL until i didn't manage to find anything suitable for cny :( i left empty handed :(( how disappointing. i did spot a dress that i liked on the website but it's apparently not out for sales yet ....



source

said dress

so.... yea. though i did in the end, somehow find a bodycon dress (i now refuse to call it a slutdress after i got one) so i think i'm more or less settled for cny. *shurgs* but i have a feeling, 'the' dress is still somewhere out there. lol. well i'm still looking. no commitments. hahaaaa.

anyways! yes, back home and just being happy. and of course the endless hours of boringness and being so lonely in banland prompted me to feeel sooooo much of returning home. seriously. at some point, the reasoning did tipped over to 'going back to KL' but i guess... this is what i wanted initially. this WAS the plan. so since i made a decision - which is something i struggle to - i should stick to it. i also believe the distance is also a major factor to all the affection :)

driving home is like so near anyways! if it's not for the petrol that i absolutely feel for, i wouldn't mind at all! and also the mini heart break that i get every time i leave T_____T

just wanna put it up here that i had a most delightful weekend w mummy bunny :3 though the time we had wasn't much but i enjoyed myself thoroughly! :)) it's just this warm fuzzy feeling. from sharing my (ex) favourite rendang tok in midvalley jusco to squeezing in time for chats as much as possible... to updating news of closed ones and others... wish i had more time...



peonies in red 

mum's favorite festive season - acting like a kid again w a new camera in hand. the weird part? i don't even feel the slightest embarrassment when i'm out w here despite everything. i mean i shouldn't and of course.

mummy bunny also tolerated my 'lala' moment of having a bowl of snow flake. been craving for the 'green tea pastey thing' not knowing it is snow flake.. but finally! so happeeee it was a perfect balance of green tea, ice, azukim pearls and weirdly enough, sesame mochi too. yummmeh.

i wish i rmbred to take a pic of that bowl of goodness.

or mummy bunny.

looking forward to go home the next time! which is most probably cny only! yays!

*claps paws*



oh and finally too! my much missed kl love! cuppcakes from bisou! <3<3<3
L: something chocolate (don't rmbr cos bro helped me got it and i was in a daze cos i was sleeping when he called) but it's super richhhhh
R: RVC!! red velvet! still as good as i rmbred!

the thing bout bisou cuppycakes is that they're really good in the home baked way. very wholesome feeling - just like the ones that we whip. just the simple goodness w an aching price tag (6rm each *coughs*)

actually to be honestly honest, i feel like my chocolate cuppycakes taste exactly the same like theirs lol but i can't whip up frostings so beautiful... so... really! all thick skinness aside! oh how i miss baking cupcakes and cooking!!!!

that's all!

p/s: mummy bunny just called! asking me to get a tv for my new room (boredommmm in banland) and also if i have eaten hehe

i'm so used to not giving the benefit of doubt to ppl, and even to le panda, but i realize i do tend to give him less credit than he deserves. to know someone actually knows myself better than i do boggles me. but it's true. le panda anticipates my responses, my thoughts and my decisions - even before i voice them or make up my most indecisive mind. but he already has the answers that's sitting at the bottom of my heart.

amazing.

after blowing drying (yes w a hairdryer lol) hersheys chocolate on my shortbreads and enjoying them while browsing through instagram, it suddenly hit me that it certainly FEELS like the juniors are having some sort of - competition - winter holiday style! everyone's putting up pictures and locations of  variety of european cities. from berlin to mt. titlis, the barca to paris. i'd like to attribute this to the wide use of social media these days... but really????

anways, some of the photo qualities are really good, well at least on my 4" screen. so beautifullllllllll is interlaken. they are ALL RIGHT. switzerland IS the most beautiful in the world. at least for now i do agreeeeeeeeee. *sobs*

JELLY BUNNY :(

i'm so bored out of my skull!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
did my routine jusco run and had like a most expensive nasi lemak. yes at old town. i didn't know nasi lemak now costs rm10. wtf. am i just becoming more of a scrooge or things are like they say, EXPENSIVE. i can absolutely feel the bite. just the other day, i got myself a tube of toothpaste. struggled a while looking for the gel kind, and when i found it, was stumped and found my heart at the bottom of my tummy w the toothpaste rm9.50 a tube. wtf wtf

i always thought they're like rm3-4 only! at least i think the ones in moscow were..... i'm talking about non fancy pancy ones... i'm talking colgate here. ish. which reminds me that i should get them pearl white ones...

anyways... speaking about expensive nasi lemaks.... i'm sure they used quite a bit of santan in their rice! no wonder so fluffy! so sleeeeeeepy after the meal -___- i can't like even talk now. i'm not even sure why i'm still up and not in bed before the night call. ugh.

tmrw would be the ultimate test. night night day. somehow i know i'll survive. the Q begs: how.

anyways... am planning for a quick trip back to kl soon. for my cny shopping. hehehehehe so excited! a lil upset that i didn't do any shopping the last time i was back for 4 days. as you should know by now, i'm living it up like a nomad. was at le panda's. and my car back in the workshop. so was too paiseh to ask to be ferried around (more so in KL) for shopping. so .... i really need to go h&m. i feel like shopping is not shopping when it's done at least once in h&m. wtf have i become? i feel like i'm such a... a... fangirl. like a cray cray cult follower. i'm now this person monster who's not buying a dress that i somehow fancy just because i havent paid h&m a visit yet. what if i found something better and i like more there! could have used the money just for those instead.... right right right.....

even though the dress is quite cute and le panda asked at the very first instant to get it. to quote 'cute' 'get it' is not that often. he always is pretty dubious when it comes to my fashion choices. but i always rub it off. in fact, to think of it, could it work that way? the more he says no the more i think YES! and vice versa. which prolly explains why i have still yet to get that said dress.


eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

i'm rambling. my soul needs some nutrition. some insightful reading. some inspiring talks.

or.... actually anything.

i just had this HUGE pang of urge of just going back to kl for work. just stay back at the parent's house (can save on rent) and have the rest of my time off spent in kl at least. or w le seal and richdad and mommy bunny (sometimes). i don't know. it'ss just so appealing now. i'm spending all the time off in btwn here rotting... sometimes, i rmbr to remind myself that i should THINK positive and shrug off all the pre-depression thoughts that's threatening to cling onto me and wrap me up in this cocoon. but the thing is.... i can be and AM ever sooooooooooooo forgetful. so most of the time i'm in this cocoon where light and sounds don't permeate through. it's just soo..... lonely and cold and quiet here i can use some company.

Its winter break fr d juniors n it doesn't help that they're all Going places... Beautiful places... italy, spain... but most amazing of all.... switzerland. When I first saw the pics of mt. Titlis this morning..  maybe the iphone pic quality does play a big role..  I was just thinking... mannnnnn this is sooooo beautiful. I shoukd be there. Standing at the same place. Breathing that cold crisp mountain air that frosts up my nasal hair. And I should be there! What the fuck am I doing here?

Lolling on bed. On my own. So lonely and bored out of my mind. I want to be back in kl. With the freedom to roam. To not have all my energy and time sucked in this small town.

My reading.plan foiled bcos I'm too distracted by the quietness n the void in me.

going through thought catalog and came to this article: 'the way you should love someone'

Choose to love them when they say your least favorite word, choose to love them when they have a day when they need you more than usual, choose to love them when they smell like shit, choose to love them when they aren’t well, when they aren’t the able-bodied picture of beauty they were when they met you because people never stay the way you want them to. You should know that.

By choosing to love, you are accepting the flaws and ugliness that comes along with something beautiful. You are understanding just how life works.

//

the first paragraph really reminds me of le panda. sometimes, though very rarely, he'd be repeating some 'fad words' and it'd annoy the shyt out of me. though it'd always be me who always need the other person more. which he always obliges. (when he's around now w the distance, he tries his best...) and when he's not well. le panda is big in size but he's more prone to falling sick than i am. i love nursing and caring and making sure he's okay when we were physically together. how i'd treat him like a baby. even though i do too when he's not sick. but this reminded me the time when he was hospitalized for the knee surgery.. which he's going to get another done for the other knee this year :(

//

i'm not sure if i'd say i absolutely know how life works because i don't. but i do know that with this person, this panda of mine - we have come a long way. of knowing each other, and being so comfortable and just.... happy for the simplest things. and most of the time, nothing. just knowing that we have each other, and being in each other's company, is sufficient. i guess that's part of love too.

6 more months to go :((( 

i don't know how i'm going to hang on to threads of memories,

 i'm terrified to know they would just fade and become more vague by the days... 

if you could only be here. just for a minute. 

and i'll ask for a lifetime. 

the one.

wise words.

tribally yours

darlina boutique

reminds me so much of my H&M tribal bikini and bodycon skirt!
it could just be the same damn print. imagine wearing this w the bikini AND the skirt!!!!! lol

i miss all my junk back home. isn't it always the case how you wanna wear something that you don't have w you???? le sigh.

on hindsight, i should really look for a place for swimming! so itchy for the waterssssssss

//

-----------------------

POST CALL!

left at 8! *success kid*

listening to rachel yamagata now - specifically - i wish you love. i think it's the first time, i got goosebumps ALL OVER ME listening to a song. omg omg omg omg. almost came to tears wtf

//

missing le panda so much at times i feel like crying but the tears won't even come. it's a kind of pain so crushing nothing makes a difference anymore because nothing's gonna change the fact that's he's not here, not now. :(

i hate ldrs.

//

found this pic of us taken waaaaaaaaaay back. i didn't even know it existed till yesterday.
what's this thing of us chancing upon nostalgic pics? lol sararah

i really miss the city. dammit.

colors so rich.

source

how can a combination so wrong be so right? fuchsia w greeeeeeen. mmmmm i'm thinking of fuchsia and teal for my room next time. and royal purple too. on the walls. on the furnitures. yums.

it's funny how i can be so tired should i know tmrw's a working day and absolutely not when it's night the next day. -_____- 

anyways.. the other day, le panda was teasing me on something and mentioned about this cooking w dog video that i always used to watch. absolutely baffled bcos it being my favourite vid on you tube i almost forgot about it entirely.. until he brought it up again. so schweeet sometimes lol. petty things like this. 

wait. blogging again reminded me that i should blog ala adrian mole and i mean write. which also reminds me that i have yet to finish that chick flick. but it's about a guy so does that make it a dick flick? hahahahahaha such a funny punny bunny! looool that's what i always say to kacau le panda. it's something like a tongue twister. lol i recently added fluffy to it too. 

ok abrupt end cos i feel like msging the buddy and le panda. ciao! 

These four fantastic days away have made me feel like I've lead another life I didn't know.

At least they manage to erase the memories while it lasted and filled me up w Simple happiness.

Noe I need to constantlu remind mysef that I have to live happily and not worry much.

Bunny. You can do this. 3 more weeks to go.

Bathroom pointers.

Don't wanna go back to hell hole. I have been reading adrian mole. I think he's nice to read bcos he's such a failure hence u don't need to be a genius to understand. The book's a joy to read. (Now I know why they dig chick flicks other than the sex perhaps) because there's not much to digest. Nonetheless. I find his diary writing style is exquisite so I shall indulge a lil in that from now on here. Lol.

Other than I won't have a penis function haha. Anyways. Yes. Its raining now. Like the big guy up there knows how I dread heading back to hell hole. Its just trying to make it harder for me to go back even. I hope it's just a phase. It's hard to dislike or not enjoy ur job so much u know?

The days here were bliss. Esply in this bedroom. Its just so calming. It feels like how a home should feel like. Clean. Minimal. Love.

I also thought of a few pointers for bathrooms if one day I should have a house of my own or bathrooms to reno.

- they should be well ventilated. So one wud have to sweat much while busy inside
- wc flush should be strong enough.
- water hole (Idk what u call it) shud be well located.
- also contractors must not be 'geniuses' (always rmbr that ridiculous water exit holeeeeeee!)
- shower must have good pressure. V important.
- tiles. Good non slip ones. Those that won't go all slimey.
- taps. Enough water taps fr other usage. Other than sinks.
- 2 basins fr master. Enough said.

Ok. Tats about all. Din k ow I had that many but I'm glad they're practically all out.

,

love for loh shu fun.

 

this is my ultimate favorite, go-to meal after a night shift :) 

it's called loh shu fun in banland 

which is funny considering it's really lai fun in KL 

but same-same, it's LOVE. 

when one throws in together the perfect portion of  loh shu fun (the real kind) or lai fun w the rightly concocted minced pork, and just enough black sauces 

i swear to god 

it is MAGIC. 

throw in 2 pork balls for good measure

and it is heaven. 

i never had such big love for porkie but this is.... just... 

beautiful. /sobs 

but it's so simple you see. 

the thing about this place i really adore is : it's just downright simple. 

but SO MUCH WIN. 

first things first: the food. 

AMAZING. as mentioned. 

affordable. 

quite clean. 

oh and they serve pickled green chilies. 

i feel like you can be quite certain they know exactly what they're doing, when they're giving out green chilies. 

there's a separate room w nice wooden benches and stools in aircond. 

there's always parking spaces. 

and to up the game, they even have wifi. -__-

did i say, SO MUCH WIN? 

the only down part of this place that i can ever think of is their beverage. 

which is really watery, bland and made half-heartedly.  

also, they don't provide serviette. 

but the loh shu fun............................. 

love.

since i'm not really looking forward to lotsa uncalled for visits and attention to this rant-hole of mine, so i'm going to omit the name of the shop. but i'm sure everyone knows this loh shu fun place. it is THE place for it. 

and i was a skeptic at first.

today is one of those days that some pts really moved me.

a mom and her daughter of bout 6 yr old came by, and as i was free waiting for my shift to end, first came to mind was lil girl was thalassemic and needed to take gxm for blood tx. but apparently, they were at the wrong ward. was supposed to go to nicu, when one of my sweetest SN came along and explained them the directions. upon finishing, the lil girl held out her hands, and salam-ed the SN. and never did it cross my mind she'd do the same to me too, since i'm obviously chinese, but she did the same anyhoos. and so sincerely so. without a word. only her beady round eyes and dorra-like hair and attire. my heart melted there and then. hell, my soul melted. as i did so on the inside, i merely patted her head as of by instinct. i watched them walking out the ward, hand in hand, w the lil girl limping a lil w her rickety lower limbs. but i made sure they got to the right place. by seeing them off further.

really broke me. i wish i could just be on my knees and hold the girl and just bawl...... wtf.

emo much.

sometimes, some pts really made you feel...... like the world's so unfair. and that they're angels out there.

hi blog!

sometimes i really DO feel like the luckiest bunny on earth. for the simplest things. so ecstatic now! can't stop jumping and clapping my hands LOL! i'm back in kl for 2 and a half days and so far - i've got my hair cut and car sent in (Again rawrrrr) but there's good news that are unexpected but much welcomed :D

sigh* to think of it, i only have one more month to go in medical. have i learnt much? i definitely did learn some for sure. but i could take in more! better start cracking in this last month YMC!!

but i'm feeling like th happiest girl now. back in le panda's place. seeing and being w mummy and daddy panda again. having yummy noms w them again. being just... happy. part of me is strangling myself for even having the slightest thoughts about being away w le panda when his parents are so nice to me. but that's another story. we shall not dig that shyt up now.

where was i?

being happy for the simplest reasons. how i missed you so!

Isn't it weird how I have developed ways to talk frenly to strangers n have no qualms about it. But finding it harder to do so to some older friends.

Times like these, I just wish I have someone to talk to. Just talk so I can get my mind off things and have minimal feedbacks.

I just feel so..  worn out. And dry inside. I wish there are friendships these days that are worth something. Or my time. Here. Now.

why do i have this insatiable need to spend every ringgit that i earned?
thank goodness for the lil bit of self-restraint that i have left in me.

night calls are the loneliest days in this town. because that'd mean i'd have practically the day to myself, and literally so. just all by myself. cos it's rare to have others who'd share the same time off slot. or the time to layan me. boooo

lately i've been like attracting the wrong attentions. i dunno why. i didn't do anything. sometimes i just brush it off but sometimes, i must admit it scares me a little. perhaps it's the 'x' factor. as in unknown. not knowing what other parties have in mind or when i try to fathom, it gives me the shivers.

anyways, we never know what others think. which is also a good reason for me to learn to .... yes, you guessed it right. let go. which i'm trying to. which i think i must give myself a pat in the back. because i do deserve a small pat. as for le panda, we've since patched things up, but same old same old. i do think of him much and miss him and i even had such  long dream of him. the feeling of being so close together again was so surreal. in fact, i could anticipate his every replies and moves. i guess we do know each other very well. well enough.

which is also the reason why it freaks me out a lil to think how i'd function should i take the solo path again. would i be dysfunctional? have i lead myself to be who i am as a result of 'us'?

i mean, definitely this relationship, him, le panda, changed me in ways.. i've since become another me. but i'm still me, if you understand. it gave me confidence in ways i didn't know possible. it gave me radiance in a most strange way. i'm a result of everything that was.

which is why i'm standing here now. staring at all the different fishes. weird ones. weirder ones. and they really scare me. all i can do is to try to avoid any run-ins. and to think more about them.

nap time for bunny after a solo sushi lunch.
i hate day time for night calls :(

whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy whyyyyyyyyyyyyy is it so so hard to find a perfect slut dress bodycon dress??? wouldn't mind a herve leger if i have the moolah.

:(

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

i think i've just watched like the most twisted film ever? name's memento. at first thought, i've always had the idea that it's a lovey dovey cheesy run-of-the-mill american movie. HOW ANY MORE WRONG can i be seriously?

anyways, i'm done w the movie and it's been so long since i've last watched a movie. ok maybe not. i forgot i watched les mis and that stupid santa/easter rabbit/tooth fairy cartoon movie w le seal.

the irony. watching memento to nurse a freaking headache. which it did. miraculously. i'm just amazed by how this didn't give me another headache. HAHA!

viva was crash and burn. don't ask. i don't want to think about it. it's just that i realize medicine is so much more than reading. from books. it's from experience. which no one seems to pass on anymore. lost art.

//

damn.

the thing about worring...

source

word.

lalalalalalalviva

am i taking this 'stop worrying, start living' thing too far? cos i'm having my viva later in the afternoon and i'm not doing any reading now. i doubt i can answer everything eloquently but i have no idea how this few hours of post-call can do to help much now. it's either already in my system, or it never will for now.

right?

meanwhile, biohazard had to break the question out loud (well i mean to be fair, it is his usual tone, but stilllllll) in the ward in the presence of a SN and all well within headshots (i just wrote headshot lol i shall keep that bt rly i meant earshot) of other colleages. oh nooooooo...... meanwhile, i have a new found guru who came to the rescue prior to written assessment.. no. i hope i don't sound like a damsel because i didn't ask for help. difference. anyways, i'm exhilarated i have my 'passport' 95% ready. and many bosses helped out tq tq tq.

:D YaY !

i will buy myself a good dinner if should i pass this posting.

:D

empowering

it's scary to think how one's happiness can depend on another person so heavily. it's fucked up i know and i'm trying hard to not let it get to me. but i'm stuck in the house by myself for half a day w four walls and no one to talk to. well, stuck is by choice. but i'm practically stranded here in this place. to make it worse, w all the stress for tmrw's assessment, i was zero on productivity. panic mode much.

so all i did was internet shopping and thinking what to wear when the day comes.

if it ever comes at all.

all this 'emoness' when i started the day all cheery and was 'START LIVING, AND STOP WORRYING!'. booo. you know what i should do, stop thinking and just do. overwrite my mind and just do.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSs.

kinda outta luck.

i'm so pissed w the universe now. as though i'm on a pms strike. anyways.. doesn't matter. i'm mad. and i'm blaming people and things. i'm holding a grudge to ppl who won't lend a fucking helping hand. i'm overzealous w this idea that i should give less of a fuck to everything, and things will be better. at least, i'd feel less of a pain when it comes to basically... everything.

you know what?

i suddenly find myself at the bottom of it all - so worn out by overthinking. by the smallest gestures. by stressing out on things i couldn't even have a say in.

at the end of the day, what's the whole fucking point?

who gives a shyt in what i want? and is that even that important anymore?

at this point, all i want to do is really to just stuff myself w yummy noms and have a nom coma. THAT and while watching my favorite serieses! fuck this and fuck everyone!

RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

(that excludes you sarah and the other few innocent souls. others BURN! DIE!!!)

of course i don't mean that, but there's this rage in me driven by hormones now that makes me say all this. i hope. i hope its a not a psy referral crying out loud inside of me.

i wish i could rant this over and over until my ears (or in this case, other's) bleeeeeed but fml i don't even have the fucking time.

want:

Ray Ban Clubmaster



so sooo cute!
source

count your blessings, be contented and never wander or wonder; or break out from your comfort zone, explore and enjoy.

your choice.

//

i had a dream while zzz on call just now.. it was so surreal and all was like i thought would be. it was so real that upon waking i doubted myself and took some time to sort out the truth from the imagined. alas, reality 24781624 bunny 0. slapped across the face by reality that life'd be a bitch if you fuck things up.

uncertainty sets in for the very first time - i ask myself - how could i be sure? how could i ever be 100% sure that this is what i want for the rest of my life? what if it's a comfort zone too comfortable it blinded me? or worse, it made me weak and fearful to step out and look beyond that there could be better options than this?  

it might be a most selfish decision to make - but my bigger concern is missing a whole lot more for settlin too soon.

i think i just piled up on the mental folders of things i need to ponder on.
and most are major decisions of life.

: \

whooooooooooooooooooooosh

WHIRLWIND. is what is going on in my head now!

i have so much to think and so much more to act upon, but first things first - THINK BUNNY THINK. arena conveniently thinks that i have a 'love' problem loooooooool the hell. but really, so much to think. gulps.

from houses to rooms, money to cents. and medical knowledge to datuk doctors *gulp*

in fact, i'm thankful that the only thing i don't have to worry bout now is 'love problem' courtesy of arena. but i better not curse my fortune.

my heart's on a roller coaster ride and it's not my favorite ride in the theme park!!!!!

fishes.

i'm in a bigger pond w many interesting fishes. some are flashy, some are selfish (excuse the lame pun), some are sincere and nice, and some surprisingly fun to hang with. 

here i am, heart pumping w every second, thinking and hoping i didn't make the wrong choice. 

how would one know anyways? 

i just realized that moscow has been my safe zone. a burrow. where everything goes to hide and die. 

hairy bunny

itchy looking for a new haircut idea! but who am i kidding? it's going to be short anyways so barely something new heehee still. i loveeeeeeee short hairdos. they can be so stylish and classy! no fuss too!





milla jovovich is totally rocking this hairstyle! like like likeeee

nd who says short hair can't go glam



CLASSSSSSSSSY.



still. my hair is going to be something like this if i continue to let it grow....

when i was thinking that it should really look like this. lol



damn you pan-asians.

good things don't last forever. they stay in our hearts.

today being the first day of the year, happens to be my last day in my favourite ward! T___T i had the best time ever so far in this place - from the specialists, to the MOs, to fellow frens and unassuming friendships made. i wouldn't have thought so at the very beginning, but this IS a blessing in disguise. i said it once and i'll say it again - i've never been happier here.



yay! looks like an all-girl team but really, there are boys too (and also a half-guy lol) but he cabutted so early so he missed out on this happy tappy pic :D missing here is my favourite zazah who's post call :(

so much laughter today and we even had our fav abang han w us for the day :D

wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee