calvin and hobbes

i can't be any more unlucky can i? w all the blood all over me and a flying cockroach landing right on me RIGHT after showering. well of course one can, and i'm not one asking for it. cos most of the time, i think i'm just either plain dumb or REALLY RAELLY freaking clumsy! like mistake is my second name. yeah.

i need to shake this 'loser' mentality to up my aura like seriously i'm not even joking.

tomorrow will be a better day! i shall learn more and fill up my logbook. or i could create fictitious patients. *gasp* i can be such a genius at times!

first night call!

today is practically the first day i saw seremban in daylight. against popular beliefs, there's actually traffic here *gasp* gonna go take a very slef-deserving nap no. didn't wink my eye off for more than few seconds yesterday night. i don't even feel like i lost a night.

i really don't mind it other than having to be all alone in the ward. well i won't mind if i know how to handle everything ...



back to....

25 years.

was driving and the radio on on my birthday and this song came up. how apt. 

25 years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
I realized quickly when I knew I should
That the whole world's made up of this brotherhood of man
For whatever that means

And so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out, what's in my head
And I, I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning and I step outside
And I take A deep breath and I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs,
What's goin' on


//

And I try, oh my God, do I try
I try all the time in this institution
And I pray, oh my God, do I pray
I pray every single day FOR A REVOLUTION!

And so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out, what's in my head
And I, I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning and I step outside
And I take deep breath and I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs,
WHAT'S GOIN' ON!!

//

25 years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination

paris nights and new york morning

have you ever missed someone so badly that it no longer feels like he's ever replaceable? that if i could, i'd run w my barefoot to him. because i'm this sure that he's that special someone for me. that i knew but didn't have the balls to put my neck on it. for i know a million years would come by and i wouldn't be able to find another one like him, who moulds us into one.

i'm just wandering, lost, back to everything that's familiar to us, to me. do you even know how it feels like? like i'm living in this parallel universe that we've always lived in, just you're no longer here now. you're not home, not sporting that cheeky smile, not everywhere that i look for. no face of yours, no voice of yours, no hands of yours. i'm scared and i'm waiting and waiting for you to hold my hands and hold me so tight to assure me that everything's going to be alright. that i'm going to be alright. that we're going to be just fine.

i'm having so many luggages that this lil white boat is sinking.

i just wish to see you and hold you and kiss you before i go.

and know everything's going to be okay.

 

that very nook you said was so cozy and it was

 

pierre hermes macarons w you on eiffel tower, why did we even do that? 

 

the glorious glorious chocolate and banana french crepe, boy we were on heaven! 

this is for you my love. 

i really don't think i can say enough of how much i miss you or how much i wish you're here. 

it's been almost 3 months. i can't believe it. 

i just wish when i open my eyes it'd be a year past, and i have you w me. 

and really, that's all that matters to me now.

running forward backwards.

feels like i'm going to explode but i'm really trying to hold everything in. so much inside to be expulsed, for the toxins to be released and my mind body to be cleansed. to be free. no one to listen. or should i say, i have decided that no one deserves to hear of such things. i have also decided that they're too shameful and gross to have time wasted on mentioning or to be shared with. life is more than this. more than ugly fights and even uglier intentions and disgusting thoughts that are equally confusing and embarrassing.

homecoming has never been this bad. i am going to save all my sarcasm. birthday has never been THIS BAD. it's always been moderately ok but this is probably.. the worst it has been.

i've been living a nomadic life. one by choice. i'm buiding sanctuaries of my own - safe rooms. where i feel so snugly home. and i'm so thankful for these guardians for providing the necessary and the security that i hang on to w my shaking fingers. i can't be more grateful.

i've been spending more time, tracing my footsteps and licking m y wounds in sj than in seremban ripping new ones this past week. some sort of escapism? for i don't have one in that torture-town. i'm still contemplating.

anyways, i'm really just trying to not think about the issue and pray hard that it would just dissipate like that off my skin, cos the fact is that things are not going to be better. things are not going to change, just cause ppl don't change so easily. unless there's death involved. and even so.... or something near death happened.

sometimes during one of those lonely drive-backs to/fro kl-sban, it just flashed in my head: so what is death? so what if i were to die now? would i hold any regrets? the only reason i'd hate to leave is to not know how my story would end. how it'd turn out later on. else i've got nothing.

so what is my purpose in life? as obsviously, i'm not meant to be a doctor. i'm not a good daughter no matter what i do. i'm not smart, and neither am i strong. i'm just this being - this existing thing that lives on everyday, looking and searching for something that i don't even know what, where, and how. i breathe but i don't live. i'm not seeing the bigger picture. i'm holding on the bits and scraps of facts and memories, struggling to make out the story.

sometimes, death doesn't seem like such a bad option at all. until you think of your loved ones.

i should really man up and own this shyt and stop sounding like a fucking pathetic victim. yes this is added on before i posted. i think i'm just missing and thinking of everything i had and used to have. gosh. what did i wanna say again?

i just need to plant this seed in my head: that i'm paving my own road to everything that i want in the future - to civil liberty, to financial freedom, to a life that i envision to have. LIFE. one that will be worth it when i look back to all this shyt.

Best birthday ever!

Fml

What an emo entry for birthday. Woke up to myself and it rained on my parade. Not gonna let it dampen my spirits unless the workshop ppl decide to. Eeeeeeeep.

25. What does it mean. Tuk tuk. Time for some reflection, perhaps?

25. W a job. Not loving it. But holding on. No income coming in. But hanging in there. No credit card. Cos I'm practically salary-less. No investments under my name. No knowledge enough to save my own ass most of the time. No pinky w me D:

But its not about what we don't have ain't that right? Its about being grateful n maxing out on whatever we have. Though not at the risk of straining relationships!

I feel like I'm at this point currently - I'm here but I'm not there. So what now? What do I do now?

More than once, I think that life is nothing but a big test. Everyones given different equipments to start off w. But One can choose to excel or to flunk it. 

But sometimes, I must admit its foggy to see the bigger good and goal ask to the reason why we must.

Bunny turns 25! Somehow no part of me feels like I'm of this age. I feel so... out of body. Like I'm living in this core that's so familiarly unfamiliar.

If I could have a wish, I wish I could be more tolerant. To people. To have more patience. I could use a lil more trust.

Having said that, I'm not wishing for more as I'm really really blessed to have many guiding figures taking good care of me. Lucky bunny.

Getting zzzzzz gosh I'm feeling the age catching up now or what! Or hopefully its the red wine kicking in!

things that melt my heart today: a pair of chinese middle-age couple on a red vintage vespa. :)

and the past few days: nice patients, and also saying goodbye and asking them to take care upon discharge. priceless.

because i am.

why do i feel like this perpetually hungry, powerless over-worked and unpaid child slave who deserves some real food, cha time and some H&M! RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

4 more days to hit 25. that's a quarter of a life (crisis). i'm still me, still harbouring that school girl mentality laced w perhaps a weeeee bit of cynicism and too quick to judge. also this laser thing attached on my face called mouth. sure didn't feel like 4 years since i'm legally an adult. and surely didn't expect this. to still not feeling like i belong. anywhere.

i cringe knowing i practically don't have a bunch of good frens to celebrate my 25th with, the way i visualize it. not like it matters that it's a birthday. just the fact that it IS pathetic. all i want is a night of unpretentious laughter and talks and good intentions and insider's jokes and memories and of course some good cocktails. oh god. what do i do with my misanthropy.  what have i done to myself. i don't hate knowing ppl. i just stop liking them further on.*gulps* yes i know i'm a monster.

daggers

Time. something that i come to learn to appreciate. how stealthily it slips through like sands leaving no chance of panting or catching your breath even; but how a glorious monster it is when spent at the a most familiar comfort circle of love. love. love.

like now. like how i'm surrounded by love and blessings now. right this instant.  

and then it's been a month.

And 2 months since i last held le panda and sent him off at that very spot 10 steps away from that escalator that we've always taken together.  together. what does it even mean to us anymore? we're together but not together per se. it baffles me sometimes; but i hang on by on threads of fleeting moments of us sharing chendols and indian rojak in ss1. i'm living and filling up that gaps in btwn spoonfuls of soy bean ice creams and blissful moments in london - but really, i don't think i can ever find anyone who compliments so well w me it hurts just to think about it.

it's beyond an understatement to say that i miss you because i miss you like crazy.

but then there's time. building up a bridge; a distance. something so solid you can't move it; you can't breathe should you choke. and then there's hope. that very light, not even rainbow after the rain. to know that everything's gonna be okay.

i'm writing this to you. from your very room. living in that hole you left me. i may be in your clothes, using your very comp to write this to you through the dimensions, and it may not reach you. but in our minds, we're of the same thoughts, in our hearts, the same love, and we're moulded into one. here i am, i'm weak, tears running down my face, an absolute mess but you know i'm all yours to keep.

i'm just buying time. buying enough time till i'm complete w you back here w me. and until our next adventure begins. again.

//

i read this somewhere pinned up on a ward: time is like a knife. if you don't cut it, it will cut you. i don't truly understand what it meant, but it sure hell is cutting me. 

honestly i don't know how long more i can do this.

hey you.

when all that you're holding on so tight are memories, memories of good times, perhaps even the best time of your life - it makes you wonder how long more you have to endure this ripping pain that's truly testing and tearing me apart.

i missed everything. every single thing.

the other face

the monster hiding in you came out to play. i can only imagine what darkness lies beneath that very persona that i've come to known for so long. though it's no intention of mine to find out exactly.

but i suppose everyone has their dark sides.

hellish

more often than not, i'm plagued and suffocated by this black piece of cloth. and it tightens its grab on my neck every single day but i can't speak about it i can't do anything about it but left to be strangled.

i am dying a slow death.

i wish someone somehow knows this pain and understands what i'm really trying to say.
with the right things to tell me too.

dealbreaker?

i feel like i've got so much to say, to rant, to wail, to cry about, and then to laugh about, to ponder upon, to shut the hell up about too... but above all, i have so much love to spread out to. so so much. i just need to find the right people.

//

i miss kl like crazy. like i've never did in the past 6 years in moscow 8118km away. i miss all the chinese food. the warmth of being at home and knowing that everything's going to be okay. to be in the pulsating city knowing it will garner you wealth if you look and work hard enough for it. i miss being an unemployed bunny.  being able to sleep w/o having to be plagued w nightmares of waking up late for work, worried sick about your pt's CT brain or US KUB :(

having said that, i'm enjoying loads bout the new friendships knitted here. though i'd love to have more time to get to know them more thereafter.

if only we could get a day off and head off to the beach or something!

instead, i think i'll be speeding my way through home. sharing richdad's sentiments, it was really a feeling i've never felt all my life upon seeing signboards bearing 'sempadan selangor darul ehsan', 'subang jaya', 'kuala lumpur', 'kompleks sukan negara' and 'cheras'. with each, my excitement heightens and my heart swells w delight. i don't even know how to explain this change in me that clings on to home so much.

absolutely didn't foresee this much-looked-forward-to-homecomings.

//

on other heart matters, i really do miss le panda a lot. it's really like a stable angina thing. only hurts when it's done so, when i casually gave it a thought. on other matters, i really should do the same too and be careful w where my heart lingers. some thoughts are dangerous to harbour.

but again, sharing sentiments w le richdad - sometimes we don't even know what we want in life.