running forward backwards.

feels like i'm going to explode but i'm really trying to hold everything in. so much inside to be expulsed, for the toxins to be released and my mind body to be cleansed. to be free. no one to listen. or should i say, i have decided that no one deserves to hear of such things. i have also decided that they're too shameful and gross to have time wasted on mentioning or to be shared with. life is more than this. more than ugly fights and even uglier intentions and disgusting thoughts that are equally confusing and embarrassing.

homecoming has never been this bad. i am going to save all my sarcasm. birthday has never been THIS BAD. it's always been moderately ok but this is probably.. the worst it has been.

i've been living a nomadic life. one by choice. i'm buiding sanctuaries of my own - safe rooms. where i feel so snugly home. and i'm so thankful for these guardians for providing the necessary and the security that i hang on to w my shaking fingers. i can't be more grateful.

i've been spending more time, tracing my footsteps and licking m y wounds in sj than in seremban ripping new ones this past week. some sort of escapism? for i don't have one in that torture-town. i'm still contemplating.

anyways, i'm really just trying to not think about the issue and pray hard that it would just dissipate like that off my skin, cos the fact is that things are not going to be better. things are not going to change, just cause ppl don't change so easily. unless there's death involved. and even so.... or something near death happened.

sometimes during one of those lonely drive-backs to/fro kl-sban, it just flashed in my head: so what is death? so what if i were to die now? would i hold any regrets? the only reason i'd hate to leave is to not know how my story would end. how it'd turn out later on. else i've got nothing.

so what is my purpose in life? as obsviously, i'm not meant to be a doctor. i'm not a good daughter no matter what i do. i'm not smart, and neither am i strong. i'm just this being - this existing thing that lives on everyday, looking and searching for something that i don't even know what, where, and how. i breathe but i don't live. i'm not seeing the bigger picture. i'm holding on the bits and scraps of facts and memories, struggling to make out the story.

sometimes, death doesn't seem like such a bad option at all. until you think of your loved ones.

i should really man up and own this shyt and stop sounding like a fucking pathetic victim. yes this is added on before i posted. i think i'm just missing and thinking of everything i had and used to have. gosh. what did i wanna say again?

i just need to plant this seed in my head: that i'm paving my own road to everything that i want in the future - to civil liberty, to financial freedom, to a life that i envision to have. LIFE. one that will be worth it when i look back to all this shyt.