hello.

i've been so safe and happy w le panda at le pandan sanctuary that i don't think there's anything else i wanna ask for. i was just telling le panda yesterday night - that now i understand why ppl get married. for this. for getting home from work and a whole day of perhaps, shyt to loved ones and knowing there's where your safe and happy zone is. where you'd not trade it for anything else. i might be wrong. but this is my intepretation. not saying that this is a standard we set for ourselves. but more of a nest.

i just wanna spend every waking moment w him, and every moment at night holding him.

//

le sigh.

in a daze.

dazed.

le panda is back!!!! le panda sanctuary feels a lil livelier and a lil less quiet but also a lil less lonely! it also means the room is a lil smaller ehehehe but i can't believe that he's finally back!

it's like this person that i used to know... that could just be a distant imagination, a fragment of my mind... but this time. in reality. he's here. now. in flesh and fat. in all his behaviours that i am so familiar with.

GREAT :D

//

GREAT GREAT GREAT.

//

i can't believe that i'm actually here. w le panda. again. like how we used to.

today's friday.

where did it go?

hi blog. i've been meaning to write but.. most of my days are spent (after work) shower! prcatically my happiest time of the day - a nice cool/warm shower (depending on the weather) where i can finally feel clean, free and alone time for some thinking. then dinner (or sometimes before coming home) and then reading - mostly non work related stuff (can't bear to read more reg ortho but i really really shud).

speaking of which, i'm reading dale carnegie's 'how to stop worrying and start living'. i'm not really the self-enrichment book reading kinda person, but look at the title. i really should have read it much earlier on. i mean, seriously, what is it that i do not worry -__- richdad recommended the book and said he'd get me my copy one day (he had one which he gave to a worry-guy) but i decided to pick it up myself along w another book in kino the other day for a long week in banland. turns out, i could just be the most useful book i've ever read.

cliched, but i honestly feel much calmer after taking some tips off the book. and i'm only halfway through it. teehee. thing is, i really do feel it sinking in me, and that i can really use some of the pointers. i really should have stopped worrying that much and let the living begins. such an emotional burden.

(let me disgress, mummybunny saw the title and sneered - i should get a book for 'start worrying' and i was like whaaaaa? you ARE already worrying every single thing. seriously. duh - which explains where i got all my worry genes from ish)

anyways... where was i. aaaah in short, i just wanna say le panda's coming back to malaysialand in 3 days' time! he just sent off mummypanda at domo. i'm seeing him finally on friday. i have been so exctied and ecstatic to just think of seeing him again!

//

my cousin just left sban yesterday for his masters in oz. it was pretty sudden and i was just getting used to having him around i mean he's really nice and all.. but oh well. it got me thinking - everyone's moving around, advancing to some other perhaps greener pastures and all... and i'm just. here.

oh well.

i'm so bored out of my mind most of the time.
and before i'm done being bored. i feel asleep. till i wake up in the middle of the night ,realized i didn't set the alarm, or turned off the lights. cont sleeping after getting all those done. wake up go to work.

i dont have a fucking life.
:(

ramblingssssssss

i've become this camper that goes home after having dinner alone and does not come out till 6 in the morning, who falls asleep at 8.30 at night. ward is draining me dry. was practically a round zombie today. but it's okay. finally.... i'm out of the ward tmrw! wheeeeee got 'rewarded' w an OT shift tmrw and 2 days off for the weekend. this can't be any better.

was comtemplating if i shud go home but was so mentally tired that i can't do the drive home in my head. so i got my fish n chips fix and sui gao fix as well. hmmmmm that 4 bucks was so well spent!

well pls allow me to babble. i haven't had anyone to babble to. except for the other day, when i was out for dinner w K and we yakked and yakked and yakked for hours till i was wayyyy tooooo sleepy to get up and to driveeeee. oh boy i must have aged. and then the next day i had AGE fml.

//

pls also let me bring this out while i'm at this. yakkings. this sugardaddy thing baffles me. no this is a whole new character that i've not known or mentioned prior, to save you some yucks. i'm amused and disgusted at different times. depending on what i'm thinking. but most of the time, i'm just .... flabbergasted. also i wanna learn so much more. i don't mind some brain picking... but ffs, pls hold off those ... hmm.... attempts at flirting? JESUS CHRIST!

//

started the OFFICIAL countdown to le panda's touchdown bcos i can - because it's down to 10 (though i've been counting since 100 day++) now it'sdown to 8 and i'm in both this disbelief, anticipation, excitement, but also impatience and occasionally anger... as to whyyyyyy it's taking FOREVER. sigh.

truth is... i'm so tired of being alone.

//

when i was younger, i rmbr richdad asking me who i wish i could be (as in becoming the person him/herself while retaining the exterior) i hadn't a clue really... so i asked him about his choice, which he chirpily said, without having a doubt: Tiger Woods! so i pretty much echoed him and said i wanted to be , er, serena williams! fml. -____-"

(while in the showers, where thoughts nd ideas flourish) i revisited this conversation again and gave it a harder thought. who, really, would i like to live a life like?

initially, i thought i ws still the same young me, hving no one in mind.
but wait a minute, i think i've got one this time.

Bourdain of course. i'm not saying i wanna take over his body and all..... but i wouldn't mind a life like that. chasing dragons. haha i'm not sure but trying local food both street food and more atas and traveling AND living in nyc upper east side. wahhhhhh.

i wanna be bourdain. teee heeee.

don't think this has to do w me running into him wayyy back when i was 19 in changi which, he might thereafter went to tian tian for chicken rice... but *shrugs* i wasn't a fangirl then but now......

I just wanna go amsterdam / rio de janeiro / japan / ny and MOREEEE . like bourdain himself said it - and i'm hungry for MORE!

so sleeeeeepy now. good night  world.

I think. I'm reaching somewhere called.... inner peace.

Good night world.

9 more days and back in le pandas arms. I can't believe it! I'm too lucky!: D

Harlow. I'm back to surviving on 3g on my phone : ) plus point is less time on d internet on d notebook. But in reality, it ain't that ideal. I somehow still manage to just have anything productive done at the end of the day.

I'm making myself put down my notes accordingly. My own personal notes/ ideas/ inspirations, then my other project notes, and of cos ortho notes. See. The thing is. I wanna be organized n have thinga whr they r when I find them. But..... if only my notebooks r w me all the time!

Anyways. I wanna know more and everything bout this ortho thing. But gaaaaaah do I rly hv to readdddddd. Pffffffffft.

Sigh y am I so ... lazy.

Anyways Its ramadhan day 1 today n I'm planning to live a more austere life too accordingly. Though I'm not puasaing but I get the idea.: )

Ltrs.

bridging the gap in my / heart

BWAHHHHHHHH! 

omg the elation when i'm finally connected to wifi on my notebook after like, 3 weeks+??? omg omg omg. le modem was fried. yada yada yada. i shud be making 'tokens of appreciation' to the aunt and uncle. okay here's the deal , i don't mind the paying but can someone kindly shed some light as to howwwww do i go about it? cash? cheque? HOW. 

// 

funny how i was listening to corrine bailey rae and nostalgia hit me ... back in those days in moscow - in the dead of the winter - i rmbr once it was -28 outside and i had lesson on that day, boy that has got to be my most memorable experience in the cold in moscowland - and in summer when the weather's soooooo sooooooo good i just had to have detour to the moscow state uni by myself on foot to take everything in. sigh. i miss those days. those days wandering by myself in universitet area, feeling i could do almost everthing by myself, if i want to. i would sometimes take the bus parallel to the main streets right down to sportivnaya going over this bridge that links frunzenskaya over to sportivnaya, where i get a bird's view of the moscow river, sparrow's hill and the stadium. definitely one of my fav spots in moscow. 

which also explains my love for bus rides in cities. it's so much more compared to metro rides where one is robbed of the chance of the beautiful city outside. where life truly is. 

gah. i miss being in a REAL FUCKING CITY. fml. 

// 

just finished watching a movie by myself cos i can't find anyone to hve dinner with. everyone's either got a plan or not in town. i tot i'd get dinner later by myself turns out, i ws dressed and i couldn't bother the hassle of going out to buy dinner for myself. it's times like this i feel loneliest. sigh. 

anyways, back to the movies. yea... the other day i watched 'details' and today 'love and other drugs' and surprisingly both of them have something to do w the medical field. 

in 'details' tobey maguire was a doctor and he said this, i paraphrase 'there are doctors who make A but i'm the kind of doctor that makes Cs' something struck in my heart. *gulp* as w the other movie, the doc actually mentioned about his every day work - 50 pts in the clinic, having to do rounds somemore, and families calling him questioning his manangements after researches on internet, AND he tot that medicine was  of a 'higher calling' and here he is, screwing around w girls and stuffs. omg. i mean. one really needs to be in 'it' to know how it truly is u know this practice thing. it's never ffs as glorious as it seems on the outside. fuck that. 

which also brings me to another point that richdad pointed out the other day - that i relly shouldn't be ashamed of my med school. 

and that i shoud - 

1. learn more and be open to constructive criticism 

2. learn not to take all comments and remarks personally

3. plan for family, house ownership and car ownership early (not necessarily in that order) 

4. learn to wreath wealth and happiness 

WORDDD. 

now just let me remember all these and actually practice them. 

//

le panda and mummypanda are having so much fun in st pete's! which reminded me of me and le seal's summer trip back then as well! well well i guess.. i can only tell him that it's only the beginning! i was over the moon being in st pete thinking it was such a far cry from moscow, that was until i stepped over to helsinki. booya. anways, they'll be heading to scandinavian countries so i guess st pete would be menial. *shrugs* 

have fun when one still can. this industry isn't for the faint hearted. 

i shall redirect my attention and time on the internet for other things instead of piling on my hate to this thing i call day job. toodles. 

In the ot.

In the ot the other day -

Me assisting an op, holding the sucker.
Dr L: May, suck.
Me: ok, I suck.
Dr L: Hold my drill.
Me: ok, I'll hold your drill.

To which he turned over and asked me: may are you being naughty?? I of course denied, innocently.

Bwahahahahha. I think I was just being punny you know! Ok la funny too. Maybe inappropriate but Hey..... Its orthopedics. I did actually think I was rather witty. Huhuhu

Also that when they say: u suck and I say I suck - not the literal sense but as in u stink kinda suck! So funny no?

In the ot on the same day, assisting another op, where the pt is an obese old lady and we had to cut her thigh open to insert a screw.

Me: so deep in (refering to the incision we made n how far we have to dig in thru the layers and esply the reallllly thick fat layer)
Dr L: is it good?
Thinking if I shud make another witty comment but Its too late..
Me: it should be.......

Fail.
Fail.
Fail.

No one will ever ever take me seriously anymore. Not if I keep coming up w all these ridiculous (but wittyyyy) come backs. Noooooooo

Unsophisticated jokes aside, aren't some of the ortho specialist / surgeons such a charmmmmm! Sigh. English-proficient skillful smart soft spoken middle aged yet ageing so gracefullyyyyy. Sigh I'm so sold. *smacks self*

So not looking forward to work tmrw. Absolutely dread d wards. Love the ot n clinic hrs though.

Mother to a bunny.

I think the the purest form of love would be a mother's love. Which can not be topped by any kind of love.

Mummy bunny was pretty concerned w me when I was flusterred w the new dept. I'm really touched and grateful to have a mom who sayangs me so much.

She patted my head this morning before leaving for work, saying I was so tired yesterday that I fell asleep right after I hit the bed, and kissed me on my forehead, twice, and said I smell like a baby. Haha. Something that the seal used to say too.

I know that in my lifetime, no matter what it is, I'll always have mummybunny to rely on, to run back to if need be.

And that's a most comforting notion to know.

(Not that I need to for every occasion)

Here I am. Back at my place. Trying to sleep and not worry.

I miss so many things n being at so many different places.