I think my hormones are making me hate everyone and being exceptionally emo and overeacting to everything and it is driving me nuts because im so uncomfortable around ppl and making them uncomfortable and the next minute i am overwhelmed by this wave of apathy i feel nothing...... empty and quietness. And then its anger hatred pain resent darkness. gah i hate myself now even.
Why is everything soooo complicated but im overthinking and overeacting to every single thing.
Today i had such a emo roller coaster ride kinda day at work. So much drama. So many different personalities and attitude. i am really so tired today. But to know that all these happened.. and to learn to and to try to keep calm n not let it get back to me or be emo... is just so hard. Im just so high on emotions most of the time i wish i have a mind eraser that i cud rub off this part of me thats so easily worked up, agitated, so emotional and put in some you guys cnt touch me kinda attitude.
Such a loooong day today.
I miss the main street of tverskaya where it carries a heavy air of European influence, the long seemingly unending main street of malaya pirogovskaya - where once we hopped onto an empty tram and that night couldnt have been more magical, that lil nook near the sportivnaya monastry where you brought me once for brunch in a quaint 'goloboi' cafe, after which we took a long stroll talking about life, the massive MGU campus overlooking Sparrows hill, the elevated highway sprawled next to the beautiful view of moscow city w Christ the saviour cathedral, the lil street from Kropotkinskaya all the way up to the main street of sixteen lanes that never cease to amaze me still, the usual route where we alight for a lil space we called 'home', the other lil old apartment of hazy nights and lazy mornings, of those nights when i had the emptiness that only corine bailey rae could understand for company, the wide open gaiety that is red square, GUM and st basils cathedral proudly stand - where i first enjoyed a light show and teared in the cold, not to forget the most beautiful kremlin square that we reveled in.. so so much, the moscow river.... the lil french bakery on the right of sportivnaya exit where i always satisfy my cravings of pastry... with only the most simple and affordable yet scrumptious sugar butter bun, the looooong lonely pensive bus rides from the m2 stadium back to hostel, the most exciting ashan journeys.. be it the far one or the ashan city that we grew familar with, the leaves in orange n yellow while we walk past frunzen park, the Mumu that is a few stops from our place.. w a lake next to it which is such an amazing place during warmer days, of course, Bolshoi and our favourite corner Yaposha sushi joint on the cobbled-stone pavements from the theatre, the Aleksandrovski park and the elegant magnificient n wise Bibiloteka, and my favourite Metro station that runs underneath... my heart stops for the moment in those rush morning hours where at one time, both the trains open their doors simultaneously, and side by side, the everyday hardy good souls of Moscow spill out and go on their business... all the while being the open minded, kind and helpful selves. My heart skips a beat at the sight of this from the stairs overseeing the platform - my fav spot. I vowed to take a pic to freeze this most magical moment. And i am most glad i did though it is most hard to really just freeze the essence of this very beauty. And some quirky nooks that i happen to chance on not many times. like the one near the tetralnaya museum... somewhr near there along the river...along the moscow river... under the bridge where open courts are... i also miss the elevated highway connecting to the back of st basils cathedral... . one gets a different view from here - amazing just the same. On the Moscow river just going through the city and checking out all the important places that make up Moscow. The stretch to the sportszal where we would train table tennis n had good times together. the path from Universitet to a place where i bonded w a half russian kid and started working on independence... all starting from taking a leap of faith trusting my gut and praying to be safe just hopping on a toyota driven by a turkish stranger who later became a benefactor. Oh and that path in our neighborhood to the rinok for our good supply of the best potatoes, onions and carrots from the friendliest lady named Sandra... and when sumer comes the peaches, the berries and round cabbages are made things much more tolerable, not to mention the cute but always snobbish neighborhood chow chow. shopping malls like atrium, where i found a lot of solace... somehow, the corner that is my lil space... made much better and happier w my panda... the very place we found each other and got to know so much more about each other. And all these are exactly just how Moscow has lil parts of me. And my memories of how i recollect them to be... just the way they were. I find it both funny and sad how they would play out like a movie without sound... just sights, routes and places as i remembered them to be. Perhaps it is better to be reminisced as such... perfect as they are... for as we all know... the things that we cant get will always be the best. And i think how i wont be going back anytime (soon) may just be the best preservation. I hope Moscow will always be this beautiful mythical gentle monster that has two sides... which is really... faultless, charming and alright.
