damn. i miss moscow. so much. i'm currently reading up on who's prokofiev and listening to his compos of course. amazing so far. i don't know much but these russki musical maestros are fucking good. anyways... i'm freaking hooked on this battle hymn book. wtf i can't stop thinking about it and stalking the book and the characters (which are of course real life people! - which makes it easier right.... but creepy oh so creepy! but in my defense they are for real and they are so inspiring) reading it makes me feel, i had my life so easy. though not in a good way. i didn't know all these prodigies are from such hard work. okay maybe we all knew, but we din know how bad their drill really were. but it's like it's all out - the secret's out - that it's all pure hard work. and i think of course, talent to begin with. thinking back, i did almost have the same revelation when i was younger w my electone(organ) lessons. i dreaded saturdays... for i have finally a day off from school but HEY! there's this organ class to chase all the fun away :( i hated the practicing as much as the lessons. but as i grew up playing it, i grew fonder of it too. i soon found myself practising bcos i find fun in it. and that i WANTED to. though reading the battle hymn book made me feel soooooooooooooo barbaric on too many levels. now i just feel like ALL MY YEARS are wasted. i also wished i had tiger mom fml. why am i so morbid. i mean, her strict ways may not agree w many many, in fact, i don't think anyone would dig it, but it made a lot of sense at the end of the day. you see results. and perhaps, that's all that matters at the end of the day.(sprinkled w a lil bit of fun here nd there wouldn't hurt either) so yea. reading the book also made me feel the current culture, esply my generation is.. WASTED. everything is just wrong. success comes easy for some - just wear lil / get a boob/nose/all-over job done to look good and you'll get everything under the sun / guys not excluded as well / act all hipster to be cool / get caught on cmera w a ciggy a drink, someone good on the other hand and a smart phone saying the stupidest/lamest thing. and boom! you're cool. no one appreciates good music/ good books / good literature / heck not even good movies anymore. it's either quality of things are getting worse, or we people in general are getting stupider by the day.
i don't know about you. but i think chinese culture, though stringent in many ways, has its beauty. i'd still not send my kid to a chinese school though. but perhaps, i think what the book is trying to encapsulate is that a good blend of chinese nd western parenting w good balance of both's strong teachings would do kids wonders. i think.i have yet to reach the last page but i think i would by tonight. also, i'm planning to buy this book! it's amazing. i hope i'm not on my way to becoming a tiger mom. even if i were, why would it be a bad thing? (am i even hearing myself fml)
will look for the one w tiger stripes for cover. like that better.
so i shall cont w my current reading obsession if you'd excuse me! :D
Friday, 31 May 2013
Wednesday, 29 May 2013
ecclesiastical sounds more apt for a galaxy of stars.
hello blog.
i'm still in this safe santuary for pandas. where the feed, groom and really, just care for the pandas so so much. they welcome bunnies here too you see. well, just me in this case haha. i must say i feel most comfortable, and really, just, zen happy here. i don't have the slightest worry / fear despite it not being my own home per se.
i like how simple and minimalist things are here. and of course it helps that it's so clean and clutter free as well. it's amazing how one's taste undergoes this evolution with time. as for my style for living spaces now, it's really no longer the boho chic.... lol even before i get to realize the concept. i'm sooooooooo into this minimalist-contemporary idea, with clean long lines and neutral colors. imagine, low long benches for tv and books, high horizontal counter tops and high stools for work, dining, prepping food and socializing - all in white / grey / brown. how about that? throw in some phantom chairs and good quality thick curtains. :)) as for bedrooms - it's darker shares - and low low beds. platforms and mattress and of course, bedside switches is a must!
and i recently discovered how important lightings are for id! it'll all be indirect lightings for my abode. except for reading. wah. syok. and then i found out how it is really possible to really be inspired from hotel interiors for your very own house. imagine things to be so clean, simple and yet classy to go home to. not bad at all.
also, intelligent storage space is very important too. i'm thinking of smart cupboards - for shoes, to books, to all the house tools / clutters, to clothes. having space is just not enough, having clever storage system is the key. (since i'm such a hogger - which i'm trying not to accumulate more stuffs. yes yes yes)
these days, the thought of buying shoes and bags freaks the hell out of me. i've been 'clean' since...... the early days since i started work. as far as i rmbr, the last pairs were those jelly shoes - which i haven't really worn since they cut :( so much for being jelly. i think the very thought of my stuffed to the brim closet is enough to keep me away from them for a while. of course it 'helps' that the seal that i share the room with, has even much more stuff, and 10x more 'clutterish' than i am! really, i can't wait to have my own space. imagine having your own place to do all the designing - thinking how we could utilize the spaces. awesome. (inner syok-sendiri int designer comes out to play)
having said that, i dunno how this post was steered this direction, but how i wish i could just pick up the beautiful glass table from ikea, and start the decoration. but nah.... being the scrooge in me. i'll just make do w shyt hahahahah. until i get the real deal. sounds like someone is ready to settle down wtf.
//
i've been watching some ted talks about happiness. it was an eye-opener. i never knew that given the choices, we'd actually be less happy! that explains.. a lot. especially for some as fickled minded like me. though i tryyyy to practise good sense and take swift decisions... but i'm still a terrible terrible decision maker. i can never make a decision (and stick to it) for a million years, if given the time. le sigh. but now after being 'enlightened' probably decisions don't make such a big impact after all. it's how we put ourselves together and move on from the decision that really matters. like they say....really.. happiness is just a matter of what we make of it. it's all in our heads. certainly not in what we possess or not. or where we are. perhaps in retrospect, it might just put us in a laissez-faire condition, but it's good to stop in this marathon of our life and just really, just take a minute, and look around. what the hell are we chasing after? more money? more stuffs? a bigger car? a nicer house? hah. talking like this makes me sound like a buddhist monk. i do crave for the finer things in life. but what i want is a simple comfortable life. and i think i can achieve that. but not without a few good years in this rat race. and then we can have some options in life.
i read today in the indian restaurant, that one can't have a positive life with a negative mind. it is true though. i shall start peeling off negative thoughts and stop the stream. and also, these days especially, to stop yakking without thinking first. in fact, i could do good with less talking. *serious face*
//
just the other day, i was itching for a long-awaited hnm trip - was hoping to to get some dresses / shorts / some nice stuffs that wld catch my eyes but no.............. nothing. nada. zilch. i was disappointed and went in another time before i left, but still nothing. i don't know - if it's me who has changed taste or the current fashion items just don't agree with me anymore. i'm just looking for something - simple, not loud, humble, not too short, everyday casual w a tinge of grown up w a sensible price! and something more loud and fun and short for the weekend when i feel and would like to taste the freedom of youth (still). the best part of hnm is the way they teaseeeeeee. they'll have all these gorgeous stuffs w the best prices on their website and you can't find shyt when you're in their biggest store. *geramz*
//
on another unrelated note, did i mention/rant about modern parenting already? pfffffffffffffffffffffft i dont even want to hear myself start.
//
so i shall digress... towards le panda's who's graduating soon! i'm having some trouble thinking of what to get for his as a graduation gift! some suggested pens, watches... all of which i think is out of reach for me for now unless i rob a bank or something..... and then i was thinking of something smaller. perhaps a bow tie lol but a good one i defend my stand ok. okay i'm a cheapskate girlfriend fml. but in my defense, i did my (big) part in subsidising his amsterdam trip ok. was thinking money is money well spent on experiences and good times w friends, memories and stories for life! instead of just you know, stuffs. so...........
on hindsight, maybe a few good hugs and kisses is good enough. HAHAHA ok ok i kid i kidddddddddddd. why am i so cheap. *slaps self* i shall do some digging. meanwhile, when i was doing some online shopping for le panda, the guys are just. so. drool. worthy. oh god. is it the way they dress? or is it their figures? good lord. *smacks self*
//
meanwhile, maybe singapore short trip for one is to be postponed for le panda - so i could go city hopping w my best traveling kaki and savour singapore as the metropolis that it is - and also in time for their singapore sale *hopefully*!!! i think from what i gather, their hnm sales is like how it's supposed to be - not the measly ugly small 'discount' corners like in malaysia pfffffffft! it's a disgrace. i'm planning for - modern art museum moca, local street food of course (esply those that we don't have - mee pok? bakchor mee?), sight and architecture/building gawking, even neighbourhood walking just to look at how they live, i wish i have singapore friends who can take me for a tour for a good sense of a local's everyday life, and of course, some good old shopping la if coincided with la big singapore sale. OH OH OH i almost forgot about the SEA aquarium thingy! i wouldn't want to miss that! (and i'm sure le panda will surely layan me heeeee see i told you he's the best traveling kaki)
ok this post is too random and too long.
did i mention that i got this awesome tribal pweent dress from cotton on for rm15 yesterday? but it had to be the first day of buy one get another piece for half price yesterday.. i had to get another XXS w blue flowers for le seal as well. it's just tooooo cheap to say not to. so i ended up w rm11 for each. quality is not bad, thin enough for our weather but not see-through. genius. dahlah i was over the moon w the print and it being rm15. my god. oh shoot, having said that, hnm also had this buy one free one promotion going on - which absolutely reminded me of topshop moscow circa a few good years back. but it didn't excite me at all seeing what they had to offer. i mean come on h&m malaysia! coming from your most loyal and biggest supporter, you can do better!
ok this post has got to end.
p/s: i had tosai for breakfast this morning - wasn't digging the sour taste to it. still..... roti is still better, not to mention, more guilty feeling. gah.
see that's how i function. non-stop. just non-stop when i start talking and talking and talking. nonsense. all the way. ok i better stop stop stop stop stop. :D
i'm still in this safe santuary for pandas. where the feed, groom and really, just care for the pandas so so much. they welcome bunnies here too you see. well, just me in this case haha. i must say i feel most comfortable, and really, just, zen happy here. i don't have the slightest worry / fear despite it not being my own home per se.
i like how simple and minimalist things are here. and of course it helps that it's so clean and clutter free as well. it's amazing how one's taste undergoes this evolution with time. as for my style for living spaces now, it's really no longer the boho chic.... lol even before i get to realize the concept. i'm sooooooooo into this minimalist-contemporary idea, with clean long lines and neutral colors. imagine, low long benches for tv and books, high horizontal counter tops and high stools for work, dining, prepping food and socializing - all in white / grey / brown. how about that? throw in some phantom chairs and good quality thick curtains. :)) as for bedrooms - it's darker shares - and low low beds. platforms and mattress and of course, bedside switches is a must!
and i recently discovered how important lightings are for id! it'll all be indirect lightings for my abode. except for reading. wah. syok. and then i found out how it is really possible to really be inspired from hotel interiors for your very own house. imagine things to be so clean, simple and yet classy to go home to. not bad at all.
also, intelligent storage space is very important too. i'm thinking of smart cupboards - for shoes, to books, to all the house tools / clutters, to clothes. having space is just not enough, having clever storage system is the key. (since i'm such a hogger - which i'm trying not to accumulate more stuffs. yes yes yes)
these days, the thought of buying shoes and bags freaks the hell out of me. i've been 'clean' since...... the early days since i started work. as far as i rmbr, the last pairs were those jelly shoes - which i haven't really worn since they cut :( so much for being jelly. i think the very thought of my stuffed to the brim closet is enough to keep me away from them for a while. of course it 'helps' that the seal that i share the room with, has even much more stuff, and 10x more 'clutterish' than i am! really, i can't wait to have my own space. imagine having your own place to do all the designing - thinking how we could utilize the spaces. awesome. (inner syok-sendiri int designer comes out to play)
having said that, i dunno how this post was steered this direction, but how i wish i could just pick up the beautiful glass table from ikea, and start the decoration. but nah.... being the scrooge in me. i'll just make do w shyt hahahahah. until i get the real deal. sounds like someone is ready to settle down wtf.
//
i've been watching some ted talks about happiness. it was an eye-opener. i never knew that given the choices, we'd actually be less happy! that explains.. a lot. especially for some as fickled minded like me. though i tryyyy to practise good sense and take swift decisions... but i'm still a terrible terrible decision maker. i can never make a decision (and stick to it) for a million years, if given the time. le sigh. but now after being 'enlightened' probably decisions don't make such a big impact after all. it's how we put ourselves together and move on from the decision that really matters. like they say....really.. happiness is just a matter of what we make of it. it's all in our heads. certainly not in what we possess or not. or where we are. perhaps in retrospect, it might just put us in a laissez-faire condition, but it's good to stop in this marathon of our life and just really, just take a minute, and look around. what the hell are we chasing after? more money? more stuffs? a bigger car? a nicer house? hah. talking like this makes me sound like a buddhist monk. i do crave for the finer things in life. but what i want is a simple comfortable life. and i think i can achieve that. but not without a few good years in this rat race. and then we can have some options in life.
i read today in the indian restaurant, that one can't have a positive life with a negative mind. it is true though. i shall start peeling off negative thoughts and stop the stream. and also, these days especially, to stop yakking without thinking first. in fact, i could do good with less talking. *serious face*
//
just the other day, i was itching for a long-awaited hnm trip - was hoping to to get some dresses / shorts / some nice stuffs that wld catch my eyes but no.............. nothing. nada. zilch. i was disappointed and went in another time before i left, but still nothing. i don't know - if it's me who has changed taste or the current fashion items just don't agree with me anymore. i'm just looking for something - simple, not loud, humble, not too short, everyday casual w a tinge of grown up w a sensible price! and something more loud and fun and short for the weekend when i feel and would like to taste the freedom of youth (still). the best part of hnm is the way they teaseeeeeee. they'll have all these gorgeous stuffs w the best prices on their website and you can't find shyt when you're in their biggest store. *geramz*
//
on another unrelated note, did i mention/rant about modern parenting already? pfffffffffffffffffffffft i dont even want to hear myself start.
//
so i shall digress... towards le panda's who's graduating soon! i'm having some trouble thinking of what to get for his as a graduation gift! some suggested pens, watches... all of which i think is out of reach for me for now unless i rob a bank or something..... and then i was thinking of something smaller. perhaps a bow tie lol but a good one i defend my stand ok. okay i'm a cheapskate girlfriend fml. but in my defense, i did my (big) part in subsidising his amsterdam trip ok. was thinking money is money well spent on experiences and good times w friends, memories and stories for life! instead of just you know, stuffs. so...........
on hindsight, maybe a few good hugs and kisses is good enough. HAHAHA ok ok i kid i kidddddddddddd. why am i so cheap. *slaps self* i shall do some digging. meanwhile, when i was doing some online shopping for le panda, the guys are just. so. drool. worthy. oh god. is it the way they dress? or is it their figures? good lord. *smacks self*
//
meanwhile, maybe singapore short trip for one is to be postponed for le panda - so i could go city hopping w my best traveling kaki and savour singapore as the metropolis that it is - and also in time for their singapore sale *hopefully*!!! i think from what i gather, their hnm sales is like how it's supposed to be - not the measly ugly small 'discount' corners like in malaysia pfffffffft! it's a disgrace. i'm planning for - modern art museum moca, local street food of course (esply those that we don't have - mee pok? bakchor mee?), sight and architecture/building gawking, even neighbourhood walking just to look at how they live, i wish i have singapore friends who can take me for a tour for a good sense of a local's everyday life, and of course, some good old shopping la if coincided with la big singapore sale. OH OH OH i almost forgot about the SEA aquarium thingy! i wouldn't want to miss that! (and i'm sure le panda will surely layan me heeeee see i told you he's the best traveling kaki)
ok this post is too random and too long.
did i mention that i got this awesome tribal pweent dress from cotton on for rm15 yesterday? but it had to be the first day of buy one get another piece for half price yesterday.. i had to get another XXS w blue flowers for le seal as well. it's just tooooo cheap to say not to. so i ended up w rm11 for each. quality is not bad, thin enough for our weather but not see-through. genius. dahlah i was over the moon w the print and it being rm15. my god. oh shoot, having said that, hnm also had this buy one free one promotion going on - which absolutely reminded me of topshop moscow circa a few good years back. but it didn't excite me at all seeing what they had to offer. i mean come on h&m malaysia! coming from your most loyal and biggest supporter, you can do better!
ok this post has got to end.
p/s: i had tosai for breakfast this morning - wasn't digging the sour taste to it. still..... roti is still better, not to mention, more guilty feeling. gah.
see that's how i function. non-stop. just non-stop when i start talking and talking and talking. nonsense. all the way. ok i better stop stop stop stop stop. :D
Monday, 27 May 2013
expletive doesn't sound so profane after all.
hi blog.
- can't get enough of and can't seem to get this mariah's #beautiful song out of my head. sooo soooo good.
- cheques cleared! more like *phew* than yay.
- went to see zenyth ysday and he was so sereneeeee and so cute. hmmmm i wish i could just pick him up and cuddle him and plant him kisses everywhereeeeeeeeee. and i should learn to stop thinking of examining all the kids and babies and most importantly, to stop commenting and giving suggestions! i think modern parents dont deal w constructive advices very well. ahem
- was still thinking about jocey since i last saw her. there were so many things we covered. and made me think. it is still true. that there's someone for everyone. it's 'true it's true it's true. *nods*
- i still think of you from time to time. but perhaps it's a good thing that the 'portal' crashed. so it saved me the pain and dip in confidence everytime you don't reply.
- now i'm battling an inner struggle. to singapore over this lil break or not. it's as though the universe is throwing me a hint - which i'm unsure is a 'go-go' or 'no-go'.
firstly - there's no traveling partner this time. everyone's either tied up w work or out of town. boooo of cos the tot of traveling solo came to mind, and singapore is such a safe country but i was thinking i could do w some like-minded traveler to share meals and split bills and of course share the fun too..
then - perhaps i should wait for le panda for his return and we could both then embark on a journey then? say saving this budget for the next w him? but having said that, this panda sure has his own plans and stuffs, which could jeopardize this trip at the end of the day. (and there's this op plan and starting work asap :() i mean, he still has his own things to settle and all but of course, i'd like to have my bestest travelling kaki to see singapore (again) this time us alone :) imagine - the sight / building seeing , the modern art museums, the gastronomy experience, the love, the fun, the laughter.
howwww.
i'm actually pretty inclined to just press book now. just that i'm being me again , so contemplative and indecisive!
rawrrr
- can't get enough of and can't seem to get this mariah's #beautiful song out of my head. sooo soooo good.
- cheques cleared! more like *phew* than yay.
- went to see zenyth ysday and he was so sereneeeee and so cute. hmmmm i wish i could just pick him up and cuddle him and plant him kisses everywhereeeeeeeeee. and i should learn to stop thinking of examining all the kids and babies and most importantly, to stop commenting and giving suggestions! i think modern parents dont deal w constructive advices very well. ahem
- was still thinking about jocey since i last saw her. there were so many things we covered. and made me think. it is still true. that there's someone for everyone. it's 'true it's true it's true. *nods*
- i still think of you from time to time. but perhaps it's a good thing that the 'portal' crashed. so it saved me the pain and dip in confidence everytime you don't reply.
- now i'm battling an inner struggle. to singapore over this lil break or not. it's as though the universe is throwing me a hint - which i'm unsure is a 'go-go' or 'no-go'.
firstly - there's no traveling partner this time. everyone's either tied up w work or out of town. boooo of cos the tot of traveling solo came to mind, and singapore is such a safe country but i was thinking i could do w some like-minded traveler to share meals and split bills and of course share the fun too..
then - perhaps i should wait for le panda for his return and we could both then embark on a journey then? say saving this budget for the next w him? but having said that, this panda sure has his own plans and stuffs, which could jeopardize this trip at the end of the day. (and there's this op plan and starting work asap :() i mean, he still has his own things to settle and all but of course, i'd like to have my bestest travelling kaki to see singapore (again) this time us alone :) imagine - the sight / building seeing , the modern art museums, the gastronomy experience, the love, the fun, the laughter.
howwww.
i'm actually pretty inclined to just press book now. just that i'm being me again , so contemplative and indecisive!
rawrrr
Sunday, 26 May 2013
catching up
i had such an awesome weekend - catching up!
**
finally met up w jocey after like 8 months??? i mean, it's been that long already? the best about our (long term) relationship is that... how it feels untouched despite the distance and years. the years when she was away in nz and i was in msia / then moscowland, and then me back in msia and she was in nzland and then she working in kl and me still away and now i'm in banland. but things really haven't changed a bit... well, only for the better. in terms of the things that we talk about / discuss w the coming of age :) which is really nice, to have someone so nice to talk and listen to. and not to mention someone who's so sincere and really, pure and innocent. forget about frenemies. this is really the pure form of friendship. i'd like to think. which has now crystalized. also, i must give her the credits that she deserves - for her most sincere heart. really. i'm wishing her nothing but best of luck for her search in 'material' :D
makes me think i really should have this sooner and more often. but then again. that's the beauty of our friendship too. and probably the saving grace? haha
**
catching up w sararah over skypeeee! like we planned to prior and it worked out! 2 hours full of yakking and we covered so muchhhhh ground. and then the line decided to drop on us and send sarah off to work. : \
else we'd have a hard time saying bye and parting anways.. hehe
**
sigh. seriously. to think of it. i may not have many many friends. but my close ones are so freakinggggg awesome. i am a blessed bunny.
really. thanks guys.so much. for all the time. the love. and just knowing that you guys will be there. be it the good times or bad. so cliched. but it's so true you know. i can see you all there at my wedding. and i'm so gonna tear up like a .... muthafucking baby. T___T
**
finally met up w jocey after like 8 months??? i mean, it's been that long already? the best about our (long term) relationship is that... how it feels untouched despite the distance and years. the years when she was away in nz and i was in msia / then moscowland, and then me back in msia and she was in nzland and then she working in kl and me still away and now i'm in banland. but things really haven't changed a bit... well, only for the better. in terms of the things that we talk about / discuss w the coming of age :) which is really nice, to have someone so nice to talk and listen to. and not to mention someone who's so sincere and really, pure and innocent. forget about frenemies. this is really the pure form of friendship. i'd like to think. which has now crystalized. also, i must give her the credits that she deserves - for her most sincere heart. really. i'm wishing her nothing but best of luck for her search in 'material' :D
makes me think i really should have this sooner and more often. but then again. that's the beauty of our friendship too. and probably the saving grace? haha
**
catching up w sararah over skypeeee! like we planned to prior and it worked out! 2 hours full of yakking and we covered so muchhhhh ground. and then the line decided to drop on us and send sarah off to work. : \
else we'd have a hard time saying bye and parting anways.. hehe
**
sigh. seriously. to think of it. i may not have many many friends. but my close ones are so freakinggggg awesome. i am a blessed bunny.
really. thanks guys.so much. for all the time. the love. and just knowing that you guys will be there. be it the good times or bad. so cliched. but it's so true you know. i can see you all there at my wedding. and i'm so gonna tear up like a .... muthafucking baby. T___T
Monday, 20 May 2013
banyan tree, ringha
the world upside down.
something is wrong with me. i practically don't feel the need to eat anymore. i can't rmbr the last time i had dinner. i mean proper ones. yet i'm feeling the expanding sides. i dip the valleys of emotions and then hit the sky again w a cute baby or two. and then.....
to be honest i fucking hate my life now. why? cos it sucks. i dont love what i think is my job. though i wouldn't say it's not good money. but i don't see myself in it for years to come. heck not even for another year or 2. it's just not me. i'm not made to do this. i'm not this.
it does seem that everyone just took a deep breath, jumped and took a dive in the deep waters but while i'm standing at the flimpsy plastic board, knowing i won't survive and would probably drown myself or hit my head if i follow suit, but pressure got me... everyone's jumping. and everyone's surviving and survived. why shouldn't i?
to be honest again. it was this very statement that le seal made during her uni years that got me into thinking i could make it through med school - that her average-student of a high school fren is doing alright perhaps even well in med school. so i thought, why won't i? brilliant idea.
6 years down the road, i'm here. i think i kinda knew med school and medicine wasn't my thing way earlier on. i just didn't have the balls to admit it and do something about it. or maybe i didn't have the balls to break it to my mom. best case scenario is me getting killed by mom. no biggie.
well. so here i am. thinking. everyday. how do i get the fuck out of this shyt hole that i don't belong to. yeah well perhaps some are right. no matter which field / job you're in, you're bound to be in a shyt hole. yea that sounds legit. but perhaps there are shyt holes that stinks less. i don't know. maybe i'm just too naive too. just being stupid like always. how now brown cow.
i'm just thinking and thinking how the fuck la do i get out. i need out i need out while others march on.
am i scared shyt of the days ahead, of the mountains to climb and decided to chicken out before i make more failure out of myself? or do i really know for sure that this ain't my calling?
you know what i mean?
to be honest i fucking hate my life now. why? cos it sucks. i dont love what i think is my job. though i wouldn't say it's not good money. but i don't see myself in it for years to come. heck not even for another year or 2. it's just not me. i'm not made to do this. i'm not this.
it does seem that everyone just took a deep breath, jumped and took a dive in the deep waters but while i'm standing at the flimpsy plastic board, knowing i won't survive and would probably drown myself or hit my head if i follow suit, but pressure got me... everyone's jumping. and everyone's surviving and survived. why shouldn't i?
to be honest again. it was this very statement that le seal made during her uni years that got me into thinking i could make it through med school - that her average-student of a high school fren is doing alright perhaps even well in med school. so i thought, why won't i? brilliant idea.
6 years down the road, i'm here. i think i kinda knew med school and medicine wasn't my thing way earlier on. i just didn't have the balls to admit it and do something about it. or maybe i didn't have the balls to break it to my mom. best case scenario is me getting killed by mom. no biggie.
well. so here i am. thinking. everyday. how do i get the fuck out of this shyt hole that i don't belong to. yeah well perhaps some are right. no matter which field / job you're in, you're bound to be in a shyt hole. yea that sounds legit. but perhaps there are shyt holes that stinks less. i don't know. maybe i'm just too naive too. just being stupid like always. how now brown cow.
i'm just thinking and thinking how the fuck la do i get out. i need out i need out while others march on.
am i scared shyt of the days ahead, of the mountains to climb and decided to chicken out before i make more failure out of myself? or do i really know for sure that this ain't my calling?
you know what i mean?
Sunday, 19 May 2013
blowing up.
i think i've wrote this here before. okay.. maybe in the previous blog. but it still rings true. somethings.. are just not meant to be. well in this case, it is of a tahap-life changing. yep. it was big. a huge milestone. and i didn't blew it. despite my loserish streak. nope. this time, i reached out... all our to have it **THIS FUCKING CLOSE** to having one thing i'd be most proud of.. my life thus far. but nope. it had to blow just like that. *weeps* i teared but what i really needed was a big bawl. one that i'll have to fight to catch my breath and have my head fenging and stomach cramps after it all... but i didn't have a chance to. more so a reason too. so i tot perhaps watching a sad movie and cryyyyy after that would be a good option for relief. and i picked one of my all time fav 'the pursuit of happyness' and i just teared. but it did feel good. also i realized my perspective of the movie is so varied from how i remembered i had when i last watched it. it was all a-blurry, with parts patchy, not truly understanding. but i understand each and every single word and details and parts and whyyyy things happened and how in the movie now. it's like wearing a pair of glasses after being short sighted for the longest time. for instance, i didnt remember the movie being so short and concise. but i do understand why and what drove him into a new business that is totally foreign to him.
i hope no scratch that. i plan and expect i'll find my happyness soon too! i'm only but halfway there.
and i also believe that many things happen for a reason. and that sometimes, the are better things in store. we just need some patience and luck :)
i hope no scratch that. i plan and expect i'll find my happyness soon too! i'm only but halfway there.
and i also believe that many things happen for a reason. and that sometimes, the are better things in store. we just need some patience and luck :)
Wednesday, 15 May 2013
Monday, 13 May 2013
there's always this person who can't seem to get things right. i still feel and act and am and is constantly reminded of how incapable and out-of-place i am almost every other day. sometimes i get lucky. perhaps for now. i just mess things up the minute i lay my hands on them. and the simplest things could go really wrong. it's like the anti-midas touch i have. rawrrrrr i hate my life now. :(
Friday, 10 May 2013
a skirmish
//this is obiously written a few days back.
I didn't join d big party tonight. My heads heavy, but my hearts surprisingly much lighter after that night. I sure hope Its not the passion that's fading. funny. for now, it seems that i've even lost the belief in people power. But I do think something in me changed that night. A part of me wasn't the same again. It almost felt no matter what's said and done, our power was only transferable into an x on a small piece of paper. it's not that i have lost hope of that 'one day'. it's just that it does feel like somehow 'evil' has triumphed over 'good' (again) and nothing could change that atm. or should i say... yet.
i believe the 'one day' will come. it's just a matter of when.
and for now. i will let others fight the battle. boo
//
I didn't join d big party tonight. My heads heavy, but my hearts surprisingly much lighter after that night. I sure hope Its not the passion that's fading. funny. for now, it seems that i've even lost the belief in people power. But I do think something in me changed that night. A part of me wasn't the same again. It almost felt no matter what's said and done, our power was only transferable into an x on a small piece of paper. it's not that i have lost hope of that 'one day'. it's just that it does feel like somehow 'evil' has triumphed over 'good' (again) and nothing could change that atm. or should i say... yet.
i believe the 'one day' will come. it's just a matter of when.
and for now. i will let others fight the battle. boo
//
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