2014 - the resolutions.

Ok! Time of the year! Resolutions (that I won't be keeping)

1. To lose some weight!
2. To be a RYLL! Lol
3. To be le seal's bridesmaid (though I don't see how I can force her into it... but if not me then WHO? Hehe)
4. To be a safe doctor.
5. To be more grateful and much less ranty.
6. To read much much more. On everything.
7. I wish I can put down to travel but... maybe not. Wuwuwu.
8. To eat, learn, truly live and love.
9.

// 2013 has taught me that
- time is extremely precious
- essential to spend time w loved ones. Afterall, that's all that matters in the end.
- being happy is key.
- not to lose the bigger picture.
- it is ok to let loose and let things be and take their course.
- most (petty) things or even persons don't matter.
- money goes Faster than speed of light. It is true.
- some work may seem hard, but w perseverance and focus, it is possible.
- love transients all things.
- and I love u my panda.: x

This list is not exhausted. Yet.

2014!

Happy 2014 bloggie! I was trying to rmbr What I was up to n where I was exactly a year back... but I have nothing. That translated literally too... now I have a lil nest (that still requires some work done), n my panda is back.

//side note: I'm such a lucky bunny - for le panda fr not giving up on us, even when I'm feeling so drained from everything else and practically apathic. Thanks fr picking me up and swooping me off and reminding me of ur love, and more importantly mine to u.

2014 is truly exciting. I don't mean for this to sound cliche but I do look forward to it. For betterment and improvement, everyday. To learn endlessly and to love fearlessly. And to take things as they come.

Good Effort.

Today I learnt that people can be brought closer by paying forward a favor. People can be learnt to be like/love.

Everything is possible... with a good measure of effort put in.

Its a comforting thought.
:)

Woe.

Gaaaaaah. Today I feel so. Lousy. I really mean u've been feeling so lousy. It feels like there's an imprnding doomish feeling bt really, everythings not that bad. Just that I tend to have a rather depressing and pessimisic take on.... everything.

When I shud really focus on things I can change. Which is why I'm writing this down now.

So that I will not repeat the same mistake and do things that I will regret, really really soon.

Stupid sock !

Anws, I've gt so much to think and do! And my back is killing me. I am really feeling the age creeping up on me. Wuwuwuuuu woe is me.

Things i dont hear enough

'You don't realize how much I rely on you too' 'i really need you'

/
Now I do.

1/1

A year after. I find myself back in pandas loft, alone, again.

Its a weird kinda feeling. To have his belongings all here. To have his toothbrush in d holder. To feel like he's just in the house in the room next door, but he's not.

In motion

Life is if u don't decide... U'll be somehow be pushed around, from the left, right front, side ways, back till u reach somewhere ..  or not.

A few more hours till sending le panda off to malacca for his posting. My heart is heavy as ever. Can't help bt feels like a year ago.. in his room. Preping him off for moscow. One last time. But this time Its not moscow. Not a year. Not the same distance though. Same same but different in so many ways. So many unknown.

I wish time could just stop so I could just hold him n not let him go.: (

Just the thought of not having him around whenever I wanna see him or knowing he will be here crushes me. But then again.. life is about motion. And changes. All these eventually moulding characters. I hope le panda will be moulded into a better man.

Two years. And then what? Life is not how we planned it but how we verve our ways around it and make the best out of it.

Somehow we think that this is a blessing in disguise. Here's to the best for my panda. Though we r into our fifth year and counting.. I honestly feel that my love for him is growing deeper and deeper.

X bunny

helpless but not hopeless.

hi blog. i am so broke. :( what did i do....

i am so broken now too. what can i do... i can't.. i don't have the power to. it's one thing to just shrug it off and say it's okay to not have it our way.. but when reality hits. it fucking hurts.

what do we do now.

:(

Catching fire!

Hiiiiii! I had a great night yesterday... mostly because it was an early celebration for le bunny for turning a year older. Keke

Was lucky to secure sushi bar seats at my fav place and had the ability to order What I want. I was nicely reminded of just whyyyyy I love jap food at the very first place when I sank my teeth into that unagi roll. Yes.

And then the cute panda tried to surprise me with a movie thereafter..  yes it is considered a surprise cos we don't do these things... surprises. But I must admit it was a good attempt. Though it didn't materialize into a surprise at the end... hahaha... but the movie was a great way to follow through after the dinner. Ideas and hope of revolution. And to think that all they bother was to censor the kissing scenes! Blasphemy!

We ended the night with a drive through kl.. around klcc to be exact. It stilk and always feels like... home. Like I truly belong here. Also! A brand spanking new h&m opened at avenue k finally! Wheeeee can't wait to check it out tmrw!

Why is my leaves passing so so quickly....:  ((

Le (strive for) perfect life

Been lagging behind sleep these days due to my night shifts which is to continue.. I guess I just hit a record of my own.. almost a 15 hr straight knock off since 4pm yesterday.

Met up w Jocey finally! And am sooooo happy for her she found her own fatty hahaahaahh! Now I can't wait to be zi mui / bridesmaid lol. Sigh. So happy.: '))

//

Lately I had a crazy idea. My cute happy life. To have a ice cream shop at klcc, stay at my unit just a block away, have my own lunches at the Beautiful park, shop at avenue k for hnm. My life would be perfect. Or so Id like to think.

Humans.

I'm back! Had a terrible guilt trip and heart tugging start for Sunday. But things alwats turned out fine. I kept Telling myself 'don't overthink it!' Just to try to let it sink in that sometimes we don't have to struggle and defy the smallest of things, or decisions.

Anyways. Glad that I managed to spend the day w le seal. While we are the rather atas departmental store in pavivi the ugly truth that is reality dawned on me. That it is such a selfish act of greed how lavish spendings are justified on the good things in life while some are just scrapping by, barely with the bare essentials. Branded outfits for kids... seriously?

Not to say I'm exactly guilt free when it comes to shopping but What I mean is really expensive goods... justifiable?

Mummy bunny was just Telling me about this maid from cambodia.. she was Going home soon. And we were giving her a bunch of stuffs that we no longer need or want. She insisted on bringing soaps back even ! Cos she said ppl back there are so poor that they don't even have soap or shampoo!: O they use clothes washing powder...: O shocking!

I was reading the other day and picked this up: that when in adversity only ppl will grow and change for the better. Hardly when in comfort and luxury. True. Esply apt in our lives these days. More than enough food, monstrous tvs as flat as paper and of cos them iphones. Everything is at out fingertips. But r we truly maximising their full potential? And how are we helping others?

That's all. I just felt he need to express that Its sad to know humanity has come to this these days.

reaching zen...

Hi blog. Its been some long long time since i last ranted  blogged here. Not that i've any less to express, just that i have much less the time. time after work is SO FUCKING PRECIOUS money can't buy. nope.

the past week was a routine of getting up early, at work, getting barked at, ward work, trying to finish tonnes of paper work before 6, sometimes dinner sometimes not, shower (finally! aaaaaah my happiest time of the day) and then dozing off w my hair dripping wet, waking up at 2/3am turn of lights brush teeth and procced to zzzz which is only barely, since in sleep i was worried about work. so one day i woke up and got ready to work forgetting to wear something reallllllly important and 'supportive' lol epic moment of my life. i guess that's the only time i was ever thankful that i'm not born voluptuous.

moving on... i'm now back in le panda sanctuary. it's been a year already. it's my month! november. birthday falls on a weekend so i took the weekend off. but reflecting on a year back, it gave me the shivers. i'm hitting 26. i'm losing count myself. i still fell as clueless as to what i want to be in the future. but at least, i know what i DON'T wanna be. i guess that narrow things down as well.

//

you know.. there are a lot of things that could be in our control ,just as there are as many things that aren't.

people you once know moves on and live their lives, they are the same people and yet we no longer know them. you have no idea as to their lifestyles, their decisions, their thinkings. and that's one of the scary things in life. If and only if you let them be anws. And if they still matter.

//

i'm making it a point to 1. talk negnatively less

nothing new in my life since i last penned here - except that my hair is in desperate need of trimming.

i need to read more. be more happy. life is after all, to be happy at the end of the day. nothing else truly matters after all.

//

Dead inside.

Literally. Today I got to see a few cases of iud and it is also a day when d prof said and I quote 'u are stone hearted' to which I was super speechless and just kept laughing it off cos he's so ridiculously funny. Or funnily ridiculous. Both. Lol.

Anws. Its nothing Near funny to know that a fetus (some as close as making it to 37weeks) to be lifeless, floating about in his safe bubble of amniotic fluid. Heartbeatless. Waiting to be expelled. Only to be so eerily quiet and still. Not to mention the heartbroken faces on the mothers. Its just so sad.

Space

I still wonder, how everyone seems to know their paths, and What they really want.

They say, do What you enjoy most.

And here I am and all I want is to love u and be with you bcos that's What I know best.

Many times I am swallowed by fear and anxiety that all I want to do is keep safe in this sanctuary. But that would be really timid of me. Not to mention unrealistic.

They also say, nothing is easy. And that things are difficult bcos they are worth it.

I almost forgot I have this space for all these timea of calamity. My heart is still searching, not knowing ehat it is that I'm even looking for.

kjm

today , i wanna say thanks to K and J for making my day - wrapping up my day in a smile rather than blahness when the day crawls to 5. or shud i say 6. anyways.... sban is much better w them two and i hope i din say this too early :D so many 'discoveries' and rantings and girl talks. but not too girly bimboish.

just the way i like it. (also bcos i can be so comfortable. one can tell just by the no. of swearings that come from my mouth ahem - not proud but it gets the feelings out)

ONE MORE for the week and i'm done! hurry along already.

suchalongweeeeeeeek

fooolerish.

hi. there are times that my emotion resemblesa pendulum swing. a sec it was this another sec it was the other extreme. but on most time (lucky me) i am contented. and i rmbr your love for me.

pinky's torn edge (aka my favoritest corner) is fixed. sewn back. the idea didn't even cross my mind - that it is something that can be repaired. now w it's reconstructed edge, i like it even better. more crunch. :)

//

just finished watching a  jap film, i have strong reasons to have doubt that it has moe than a 6.5 rating.. but nevertheless. it was enough to make me tear and miss my panda badly enough. le sigh.

WHY OH WHY does life has to be like this?

i saw on instagrams - of blonde youngsters who fled to the oceans and waves, partner in arms, living the life. or not? is it ignorance or courage?

10 years.

it has to be done.

Some alone time

Hi. I'm supposed to be getting aome shut eye or perhaps some reading. But I'm just chilling by myself. Just some time for myself. Not rushing to go home or driving or squeezing the lil time I have w le panda or anyone.

I feel I'm truly w myself now. And no one else.

How have I been? The same. 

I haven't been thinking much. Or reading much since I last fin the little price. Its like attempting to keep all the goodness and purity of the book in me.

I have made a few mistakes here and there. But Hey there are there for us to learn. 

I also feel like time is so precious that time off from work feela like they are stolen. If I haven't say this already. It is. Esply w le panda.

Le panda is now resting at home after his acl recon. And I miss him so. Sometimes im concerned w just how much I love him. At the same time, it scares me how much love I'm capable of giving and am giving to him.

So. Here's an abrupt end. I feel like reading instead of writing. Till then .

Booooooo

I swear my back is gonna break on me. Day 4 and 2 more days to go. Le sigh. Long stretch of working day: ( and I miss my panda so much. So. So tired. Mentally exhausted and physically sore.

//

It is official. I found my evil twin. She lives in a form of a cute boyish girl. Though way more innocent n pure than me, god-believing and fearing. Quick book reader. Same same cheapskate: D loves everything quaint and most of the time, unconventional. Beagle lovers.

I wish her all the bestest in her lurveeeee life! Kekeke

//

My back.....  this is what a day of bedside wound debridement, cvl and cast readjustment do to u. Not even getting any appreciation in return: ( fml

a thursday night.

hi.

i'm alone in banland. where i can't help but feel.... awfully... lonely. and i think, it's me. ppl of my batch who came over here much later than me have cliques and new bffs... and i'm still having dindin of mixed rice at the same stall since forever, and goes home to showers and internet and nothings... not that i'm dying for a social life here (too tired for that)... but i could do w someone to talk to sometimes. or just someone to ... like k puts it.. hang. to share a pipping hot pizza and then i can lie down on my belly and just read.

it's wayyyyy past my bedtime as i usually doze off before 10. heck, i was struggling to rmbr how i even got to bed last night (fell asleep reading at the lounge area) and found myself in bed w lights off (kudos at least the lights are off this time!) but really, nothing came to mind. it's still a mystery. tonight. it's just me. asos. pinkpau's instagrams. and sa dingding. imean. i have not and still not come across any world/folk music as amazing as hers. just crazy good stuff.

//

i'm working my weekdays off for off days / weekends to be w my panda. am i crazy or something/ i'm not even sure if i'm in love or in obsession w him anymore. it's like i just can't get enough of him. in terms of spending time w him. i just can't. i wonder if it's catching up w the 10month lapse ... but if there's something that i could do... that would be spending the rest of my life w him. *sobs*

also. lately. playing w the idea of having a orphanage. it's crazy commitment. but it's definitely something.

but before that. reality comes first. money comes first for now.

hello.

i've been so safe and happy w le panda at le pandan sanctuary that i don't think there's anything else i wanna ask for. i was just telling le panda yesterday night - that now i understand why ppl get married. for this. for getting home from work and a whole day of perhaps, shyt to loved ones and knowing there's where your safe and happy zone is. where you'd not trade it for anything else. i might be wrong. but this is my intepretation. not saying that this is a standard we set for ourselves. but more of a nest.

i just wanna spend every waking moment w him, and every moment at night holding him.

//

le sigh.

in a daze.

dazed.

le panda is back!!!! le panda sanctuary feels a lil livelier and a lil less quiet but also a lil less lonely! it also means the room is a lil smaller ehehehe but i can't believe that he's finally back!

it's like this person that i used to know... that could just be a distant imagination, a fragment of my mind... but this time. in reality. he's here. now. in flesh and fat. in all his behaviours that i am so familiar with.

GREAT :D

//

GREAT GREAT GREAT.

//

i can't believe that i'm actually here. w le panda. again. like how we used to.

today's friday.

where did it go?

hi blog. i've been meaning to write but.. most of my days are spent (after work) shower! prcatically my happiest time of the day - a nice cool/warm shower (depending on the weather) where i can finally feel clean, free and alone time for some thinking. then dinner (or sometimes before coming home) and then reading - mostly non work related stuff (can't bear to read more reg ortho but i really really shud).

speaking of which, i'm reading dale carnegie's 'how to stop worrying and start living'. i'm not really the self-enrichment book reading kinda person, but look at the title. i really should have read it much earlier on. i mean, seriously, what is it that i do not worry -__- richdad recommended the book and said he'd get me my copy one day (he had one which he gave to a worry-guy) but i decided to pick it up myself along w another book in kino the other day for a long week in banland. turns out, i could just be the most useful book i've ever read.

cliched, but i honestly feel much calmer after taking some tips off the book. and i'm only halfway through it. teehee. thing is, i really do feel it sinking in me, and that i can really use some of the pointers. i really should have stopped worrying that much and let the living begins. such an emotional burden.

(let me disgress, mummybunny saw the title and sneered - i should get a book for 'start worrying' and i was like whaaaaa? you ARE already worrying every single thing. seriously. duh - which explains where i got all my worry genes from ish)

anyways... where was i. aaaah in short, i just wanna say le panda's coming back to malaysialand in 3 days' time! he just sent off mummypanda at domo. i'm seeing him finally on friday. i have been so exctied and ecstatic to just think of seeing him again!

//

my cousin just left sban yesterday for his masters in oz. it was pretty sudden and i was just getting used to having him around i mean he's really nice and all.. but oh well. it got me thinking - everyone's moving around, advancing to some other perhaps greener pastures and all... and i'm just. here.

oh well.

i'm so bored out of my mind most of the time.
and before i'm done being bored. i feel asleep. till i wake up in the middle of the night ,realized i didn't set the alarm, or turned off the lights. cont sleeping after getting all those done. wake up go to work.

i dont have a fucking life.
:(

ramblingssssssss

i've become this camper that goes home after having dinner alone and does not come out till 6 in the morning, who falls asleep at 8.30 at night. ward is draining me dry. was practically a round zombie today. but it's okay. finally.... i'm out of the ward tmrw! wheeeeee got 'rewarded' w an OT shift tmrw and 2 days off for the weekend. this can't be any better.

was comtemplating if i shud go home but was so mentally tired that i can't do the drive home in my head. so i got my fish n chips fix and sui gao fix as well. hmmmmm that 4 bucks was so well spent!

well pls allow me to babble. i haven't had anyone to babble to. except for the other day, when i was out for dinner w K and we yakked and yakked and yakked for hours till i was wayyyy tooooo sleepy to get up and to driveeeee. oh boy i must have aged. and then the next day i had AGE fml.

//

pls also let me bring this out while i'm at this. yakkings. this sugardaddy thing baffles me. no this is a whole new character that i've not known or mentioned prior, to save you some yucks. i'm amused and disgusted at different times. depending on what i'm thinking. but most of the time, i'm just .... flabbergasted. also i wanna learn so much more. i don't mind some brain picking... but ffs, pls hold off those ... hmm.... attempts at flirting? JESUS CHRIST!

//

started the OFFICIAL countdown to le panda's touchdown bcos i can - because it's down to 10 (though i've been counting since 100 day++) now it'sdown to 8 and i'm in both this disbelief, anticipation, excitement, but also impatience and occasionally anger... as to whyyyyyy it's taking FOREVER. sigh.

truth is... i'm so tired of being alone.

//

when i was younger, i rmbr richdad asking me who i wish i could be (as in becoming the person him/herself while retaining the exterior) i hadn't a clue really... so i asked him about his choice, which he chirpily said, without having a doubt: Tiger Woods! so i pretty much echoed him and said i wanted to be , er, serena williams! fml. -____-"

(while in the showers, where thoughts nd ideas flourish) i revisited this conversation again and gave it a harder thought. who, really, would i like to live a life like?

initially, i thought i ws still the same young me, hving no one in mind.
but wait a minute, i think i've got one this time.

Bourdain of course. i'm not saying i wanna take over his body and all..... but i wouldn't mind a life like that. chasing dragons. haha i'm not sure but trying local food both street food and more atas and traveling AND living in nyc upper east side. wahhhhhh.

i wanna be bourdain. teee heeee.

don't think this has to do w me running into him wayyy back when i was 19 in changi which, he might thereafter went to tian tian for chicken rice... but *shrugs* i wasn't a fangirl then but now......

I just wanna go amsterdam / rio de janeiro / japan / ny and MOREEEE . like bourdain himself said it - and i'm hungry for MORE!

so sleeeeeepy now. good night  world.

I think. I'm reaching somewhere called.... inner peace.

Good night world.

9 more days and back in le pandas arms. I can't believe it! I'm too lucky!: D

Harlow. I'm back to surviving on 3g on my phone : ) plus point is less time on d internet on d notebook. But in reality, it ain't that ideal. I somehow still manage to just have anything productive done at the end of the day.

I'm making myself put down my notes accordingly. My own personal notes/ ideas/ inspirations, then my other project notes, and of cos ortho notes. See. The thing is. I wanna be organized n have thinga whr they r when I find them. But..... if only my notebooks r w me all the time!

Anyways. I wanna know more and everything bout this ortho thing. But gaaaaaah do I rly hv to readdddddd. Pffffffffft.

Sigh y am I so ... lazy.

Anyways Its ramadhan day 1 today n I'm planning to live a more austere life too accordingly. Though I'm not puasaing but I get the idea.: )

Ltrs.

bridging the gap in my / heart

BWAHHHHHHHH! 

omg the elation when i'm finally connected to wifi on my notebook after like, 3 weeks+??? omg omg omg. le modem was fried. yada yada yada. i shud be making 'tokens of appreciation' to the aunt and uncle. okay here's the deal , i don't mind the paying but can someone kindly shed some light as to howwwww do i go about it? cash? cheque? HOW. 

// 

funny how i was listening to corrine bailey rae and nostalgia hit me ... back in those days in moscow - in the dead of the winter - i rmbr once it was -28 outside and i had lesson on that day, boy that has got to be my most memorable experience in the cold in moscowland - and in summer when the weather's soooooo sooooooo good i just had to have detour to the moscow state uni by myself on foot to take everything in. sigh. i miss those days. those days wandering by myself in universitet area, feeling i could do almost everthing by myself, if i want to. i would sometimes take the bus parallel to the main streets right down to sportivnaya going over this bridge that links frunzenskaya over to sportivnaya, where i get a bird's view of the moscow river, sparrow's hill and the stadium. definitely one of my fav spots in moscow. 

which also explains my love for bus rides in cities. it's so much more compared to metro rides where one is robbed of the chance of the beautiful city outside. where life truly is. 

gah. i miss being in a REAL FUCKING CITY. fml. 

// 

just finished watching a movie by myself cos i can't find anyone to hve dinner with. everyone's either got a plan or not in town. i tot i'd get dinner later by myself turns out, i ws dressed and i couldn't bother the hassle of going out to buy dinner for myself. it's times like this i feel loneliest. sigh. 

anyways, back to the movies. yea... the other day i watched 'details' and today 'love and other drugs' and surprisingly both of them have something to do w the medical field. 

in 'details' tobey maguire was a doctor and he said this, i paraphrase 'there are doctors who make A but i'm the kind of doctor that makes Cs' something struck in my heart. *gulp* as w the other movie, the doc actually mentioned about his every day work - 50 pts in the clinic, having to do rounds somemore, and families calling him questioning his manangements after researches on internet, AND he tot that medicine was  of a 'higher calling' and here he is, screwing around w girls and stuffs. omg. i mean. one really needs to be in 'it' to know how it truly is u know this practice thing. it's never ffs as glorious as it seems on the outside. fuck that. 

which also brings me to another point that richdad pointed out the other day - that i relly shouldn't be ashamed of my med school. 

and that i shoud - 

1. learn more and be open to constructive criticism 

2. learn not to take all comments and remarks personally

3. plan for family, house ownership and car ownership early (not necessarily in that order) 

4. learn to wreath wealth and happiness 

WORDDD. 

now just let me remember all these and actually practice them. 

//

le panda and mummypanda are having so much fun in st pete's! which reminded me of me and le seal's summer trip back then as well! well well i guess.. i can only tell him that it's only the beginning! i was over the moon being in st pete thinking it was such a far cry from moscow, that was until i stepped over to helsinki. booya. anways, they'll be heading to scandinavian countries so i guess st pete would be menial. *shrugs* 

have fun when one still can. this industry isn't for the faint hearted. 

i shall redirect my attention and time on the internet for other things instead of piling on my hate to this thing i call day job. toodles. 

In the ot.

In the ot the other day -

Me assisting an op, holding the sucker.
Dr L: May, suck.
Me: ok, I suck.
Dr L: Hold my drill.
Me: ok, I'll hold your drill.

To which he turned over and asked me: may are you being naughty?? I of course denied, innocently.

Bwahahahahha. I think I was just being punny you know! Ok la funny too. Maybe inappropriate but Hey..... Its orthopedics. I did actually think I was rather witty. Huhuhu

Also that when they say: u suck and I say I suck - not the literal sense but as in u stink kinda suck! So funny no?

In the ot on the same day, assisting another op, where the pt is an obese old lady and we had to cut her thigh open to insert a screw.

Me: so deep in (refering to the incision we made n how far we have to dig in thru the layers and esply the reallllly thick fat layer)
Dr L: is it good?
Thinking if I shud make another witty comment but Its too late..
Me: it should be.......

Fail.
Fail.
Fail.

No one will ever ever take me seriously anymore. Not if I keep coming up w all these ridiculous (but wittyyyy) come backs. Noooooooo

Unsophisticated jokes aside, aren't some of the ortho specialist / surgeons such a charmmmmm! Sigh. English-proficient skillful smart soft spoken middle aged yet ageing so gracefullyyyyy. Sigh I'm so sold. *smacks self*

So not looking forward to work tmrw. Absolutely dread d wards. Love the ot n clinic hrs though.

Mother to a bunny.

I think the the purest form of love would be a mother's love. Which can not be topped by any kind of love.

Mummy bunny was pretty concerned w me when I was flusterred w the new dept. I'm really touched and grateful to have a mom who sayangs me so much.

She patted my head this morning before leaving for work, saying I was so tired yesterday that I fell asleep right after I hit the bed, and kissed me on my forehead, twice, and said I smell like a baby. Haha. Something that the seal used to say too.

I know that in my lifetime, no matter what it is, I'll always have mummybunny to rely on, to run back to if need be.

And that's a most comforting notion to know.

(Not that I need to for every occasion)

Here I am. Back at my place. Trying to sleep and not worry.

I miss so many things n being at so many different places.

!!!

there are too many times when words are just not enough to express the stream of feelings. perhaps, i'm the one with too much of this emotions for my own good. i know. but i can't help but feel that i'm running on all these hormones and tears. seriously. so emo. such a girl. so annoying.

mummypanda's leaving for moscow tomorrow. separation anxiety kicking in real hard. i feel like when i was back in kindergarten, holding on the mummybunny's clothings - reluctant to be left alone. i absolutely detest this feeling - having to say bye to someone so close. i dunno. i hate this separation anxiety thing.

//

meanwhile, try as i might. i got le panda's arrival date off - post call off to be exact. so it's pretty much a half a day thing. and had to work for another week till i get a day off to see him again. fml fml fml. just when i tot the hurdles are over, just being back in malaysia doesn't mean we are 'together together'. hence my love our time and freedom back in moscowland. now that's what freedom means. minus the salary. seriously. life never fails to throw jokes at us huh.

HOW I WANNA STOMP MY FEET TO PROTEST.

why do i get this feeling that no one cares i haven't seen my bf for a year why why why. you know why? cos -
REALLY NO ONE GIVES A FUCK.

sigh.

WHY DO WE NEED TO WORK.  WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY.

(doesn't help that some supposedly grown up seniors have to act like whiney bitches - complaining about first hand experiences and all about colleagues who doesn't help each other out when we're all stuck in the same rut - BUT takes an hour ++ for prayers sessions - now THAT we must tolerate and understand and be considerate. DAFUQ? of course, it's not any religion that i'm attacking, i mean,, pls la, give and take some la for fucks sake. seriously tak tahan some of the guys' working ethics here RAWRRRRRR when am i going to end this fucked up dept)

Coming back to my point. RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR can i like take the whole fucking year off to spend time not doing anything. seriously. what is wrong w me. why do i feel like resorting to becoming a siu lai lai's life. fml fml fml.

RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

fuzzy / retrospect.

the other day i was boiling over this person who thinks he's such a smartass and so much superior to others. seriously, these ortho-surgeon-egoistic-wannabes need a slap in the face and some reality check. was too tired to rant and i hope it all disspitate soon.


wait..... what was i going to say again?

//

so. it's summer again. how do i know? because finally H&M has proper sales! wheeeeeeee i went cray cray of course. and my credit card is going to thank me later next month. fml. also because le panda is farewelling w his frens oen bby one. reminded me of the time last year - was it a year already? - how we all slowly and surely bid one another good bye.... it was one of the hardest thing to do. farewells. just when you think something couldn't get worse. farewells in public. wtf. cos you have to keep your cool and not go all BWAWUWUWUWUWUWUWUWUWUW' on the streets. i rmbr bidding sawawah goodbye in front of sportiv hostel. i was just holding... just holding them tears in. knowing how friends will be on different paths, on different journeys, in different parts of the world, and NOT knowing when you'll see each other again truly does pull at one's heartstrings, and of course, tear ducts.

i rmbr bidding apt 111 good bye. i just wanted to bawlllllllllll. i rmbr standing downstairs the apt, and looking at the luggage-filled van pulling away w them boys and berneb inside. they didn't know how it break my heart. standing hand in hand w le panda, and tears rolling down my cheek, yea, maybe some will think i'm silly and emo, but i think le panda might just understand. we went back up to an empty apt. it's the same space but yet, different.

then it was sending off the boys from kahov, in them 5000-5000 taxis in pjs. i didn't know when i will ever see them again then. despite us being all in KL. still. doesn't matter. ppl just don't meet up that easily once you have a thing called job. it sucks. but so far, it's been ok.




our last date in moscowland - it was tea at the lil blue cafe, stroll along sportiv park and moscow river. sawawah thanks for making my memories in moscowland so much better and prettier. you're a very special being. i'm very glad and grateful that i came to know you and have you in my bunny life. thank you. T___T 

we all have line and whatsapp to thank for in our lives.

and of course, weddings and happy occasions!

i miss the fuzzy feeling of having real genuine school friends. there's this simple complexity of sincerity and pureness in friendship that is je ne sais quoi and not found easily or anywhere. i'm glad i had my moments. and i'm happy just knowing they're happy too.

//


when i was in my last year in moscowland. it dawned on me that the 6 years has come to pass. because 6 years is such a long period that it seems like it's a never ending thing, it's like a thing that you tell others ' oh i have 6 years to fin the course' and telling that over and over and over again in years doesn't make it any easier to stomach the fact that it WILL eventually one day come to well, end. same thing goes to anything else that is in the same situation. and when the day comes, it somehow loses its 'TADAA' it's like, well, i can't believe the day much talked about is finally HERE. lilke this past year , i've been waiting and anticipating for le panda's return. and i can't really believe that it will be so soon! it just feels like it's something you talk about, think about, and can't wait for the day to be here, but when it is, it's like - whoa. i can't believe it. perhaps the talking did much false impression that it's so far away in the future. but knowing time - it just comes and pass us. leaving us - astounded, shaken and same yet, again, different. no? it feels like we are changed somehow, someway, but deeeeeeep inside, heck i'm still the same me. yeah.

so *rubs paws* we are counting down to 26 days to go. yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!


ironically, i'm now in his room, where one year ago, we held each other and had tears streaming down, not having a fucking clue how i'd go through a year without my bestest companion, but we're now just 3 weeks away from being 'together' again. sigh. isn't life such a big test? it's beautiful, in retrospect.