Zzzzzzzzz
Wanting out and wanting to be in for others.
God knows how many actually do what they love for a living. One could only wish for for such things. These thinfs are wayyyyyy up there.... like true love and miracles. Unicorns and rainbows.
Getting fed up. Becoming numb. Not having to feel it all would make it better.
Feels like a never ending bad dream.
Dear bloggy.
What have i gotten myself into?
I have driven myself into a pit... and now struggling and trying to come out and to survive it all.
On days kept busy it is better. Not when one is left w a hungry tummy and a mind full of imagination as to what to devour....
Life is hard they say..... they didnt say how.
Hang in there bunny. It will be better. It has to be.
October is a month of changing of roles or can i say upgrading? Became a momo. Also wife to my panda.
And it is way too cliche but how fast does time fly?! Today is the last day of October and looking back, despite the 'change of roles' how much did i really adapt into these roles?
Semi momo and semi wife.
But there is progress. Improvement required swiftly... for the former. As for the latter i cant wait to have the full fledge ceremony done! Will be so fun!
I cant wait to try gowns n check out places!! Heeeeeeee
This past week has been a most emotionally challenging one.. didnt know i would have so so so many things to think about and have so many new angles brought into the equation if not for all that has arised.
So many ppl saying n telling me so many things. And as a result... it really puts me into perspective as to where exactly they come from ... its so perplexing. It can make one be so doubtful n question everything and everyone for that matter all over again.
I believe that people are a reflection of what they say and do. And it really goes to show their stand point and intention. everyone talks for the sake of talking. They dont really care... or care about you. After all.. ppl are only human and selfish. Self always comes first.
It is so mind blowing on so many levels. so before i let what anyone have to say or do gets me on a doubt or guilt trip again. Just shut it already ppl. 'Advices' and talking is cheap. your take on it doesnt really matter. And how ppl feed on gossips n news of others! It is obscene. Shame on you. I am so done w the emotional roller coaster. I am numb from feelings and frozen from thoughts.
I dont know what to feel or think anymore and this breakdown is timely albeit not necessary. We are now.. officially a two man island. must as well make it fun. Suckers.
I think my hormones are making me hate everyone and being exceptionally emo and overeacting to everything and it is driving me nuts because im so uncomfortable around ppl and making them uncomfortable and the next minute i am overwhelmed by this wave of apathy i feel nothing...... empty and quietness. And then its anger hatred pain resent darkness. gah i hate myself now even.
Why is everything soooo complicated but im overthinking and overeacting to every single thing.
Today i had such a emo roller coaster ride kinda day at work. So much drama. So many different personalities and attitude. i am really so tired today. But to know that all these happened.. and to learn to and to try to keep calm n not let it get back to me or be emo... is just so hard. Im just so high on emotions most of the time i wish i have a mind eraser that i cud rub off this part of me thats so easily worked up, agitated, so emotional and put in some you guys cnt touch me kinda attitude.
Such a loooong day today.
I miss the main street of tverskaya where it carries a heavy air of European influence, the long seemingly unending main street of malaya pirogovskaya - where once we hopped onto an empty tram and that night couldnt have been more magical, that lil nook near the sportivnaya monastry where you brought me once for brunch in a quaint 'goloboi' cafe, after which we took a long stroll talking about life, the massive MGU campus overlooking Sparrows hill, the elevated highway sprawled next to the beautiful view of moscow city w Christ the saviour cathedral, the lil street from Kropotkinskaya all the way up to the main street of sixteen lanes that never cease to amaze me still, the usual route where we alight for a lil space we called 'home', the other lil old apartment of hazy nights and lazy mornings, of those nights when i had the emptiness that only corine bailey rae could understand for company, the wide open gaiety that is red square, GUM and st basils cathedral proudly stand - where i first enjoyed a light show and teared in the cold, not to forget the most beautiful kremlin square that we reveled in.. so so much, the moscow river.... the lil french bakery on the right of sportivnaya exit where i always satisfy my cravings of pastry... with only the most simple and affordable yet scrumptious sugar butter bun, the looooong lonely pensive bus rides from the m2 stadium back to hostel, the most exciting ashan journeys.. be it the far one or the ashan city that we grew familar with, the leaves in orange n yellow while we walk past frunzen park, the Mumu that is a few stops from our place.. w a lake next to it which is such an amazing place during warmer days, of course, Bolshoi and our favourite corner Yaposha sushi joint on the cobbled-stone pavements from the theatre, the Aleksandrovski park and the elegant magnificient n wise Bibiloteka, and my favourite Metro station that runs underneath... my heart stops for the moment in those rush morning hours where at one time, both the trains open their doors simultaneously, and side by side, the everyday hardy good souls of Moscow spill out and go on their business... all the while being the open minded, kind and helpful selves. My heart skips a beat at the sight of this from the stairs overseeing the platform - my fav spot. I vowed to take a pic to freeze this most magical moment. And i am most glad i did though it is most hard to really just freeze the essence of this very beauty. And some quirky nooks that i happen to chance on not many times. like the one near the tetralnaya museum... somewhr near there along the river...along the moscow river... under the bridge where open courts are... i also miss the elevated highway connecting to the back of st basils cathedral... . one gets a different view from here - amazing just the same. On the Moscow river just going through the city and checking out all the important places that make up Moscow. The stretch to the sportszal where we would train table tennis n had good times together. the path from Universitet to a place where i bonded w a half russian kid and started working on independence... all starting from taking a leap of faith trusting my gut and praying to be safe just hopping on a toyota driven by a turkish stranger who later became a benefactor. Oh and that path in our neighborhood to the rinok for our good supply of the best potatoes, onions and carrots from the friendliest lady named Sandra... and when sumer comes the peaches, the berries and round cabbages are made things much more tolerable, not to mention the cute but always snobbish neighborhood chow chow. shopping malls like atrium, where i found a lot of solace... somehow, the corner that is my lil space... made much better and happier w my panda... the very place we found each other and got to know so much more about each other. And all these are exactly just how Moscow has lil parts of me. And my memories of how i recollect them to be... just the way they were. I find it both funny and sad how they would play out like a movie without sound... just sights, routes and places as i remembered them to be. Perhaps it is better to be reminisced as such... perfect as they are... for as we all know... the things that we cant get will always be the best. And i think how i wont be going back anytime (soon) may just be the best preservation. I hope Moscow will always be this beautiful mythical gentle monster that has two sides... which is really... faultless, charming and alright.
A string of weird and not-so-fortunate events has been unfolding lately... onr after another.. quite dreadful. /scratches face
I try not to think about then too much.
I have been lost w the day and date too... i put the blame on working days n off days being busy w le panda.. it just feels like a loooooong stretch of working week/month. Like i hv never stopped.
Life is..... slow but fast. Exciting and uninspiring at d same time. I dont know anymore. At most times, im just pissed. Others... delighted.
But i never doubted myself for being the weirdest creature.
Sometimes i just wish theres someone who understands. Perhaps no one will. Because no one is ever in the same shoes.
Sometimes we keep taking and theres no awareness of it. But theres energy in life and it means that nothing disappears really... just merely converted to other forms.
All i have is just photos of you, of us. And i cant remember why i got mad at you at the first place. i cant trace my memories back.. like in memento. And everythings a maze.
im listening to malay oldies on my own. Having diiners on my own. Doing evety single fucking thing on my own. But all i really want is to have off time n just be. Not m having to be stuckrd in d god forbidden ot which i still have yet to cone to terms with. I still am unable to take in the reality that this is reality for 4 months to come. is it so?
Sometimes it breaks my heart. I dont knoe what or how. But i saw my heart in pieces strewn over the place. I felt the pain but i didnt see the blood. Sometimes. All i want is just peace.
I just want to be left alone. Or do i?
This could easily be one of my busiest month ever! Whats with le seals wedding dinner coming up, im also prepping my nest and along with that so many other issues to ponder.
Tired. Havent really rested well for a few weeks. Since i starred again.
Just plaib tired.
At other times, i feel as if in inception, i have a place my heart long and aches to go home to... like how reality blurs w dream or limbo.. there is another home or place i should really be.. than here now.
This is not real.
Most of the time these days, i feel so alone in this constant battle of... balancing time w le panda, being in kl, and getting a proper work schedule. And that nobody can (or would or would want to) understand the state that i am in.
Most of the time i am just so tired of this juggling act of time, which makes me wonder. Which explains the persistent distraction and recurrent fatigue. Being tired from all this.
That you wish one day.. someone would say 'i understand' and it would make my day by knowing that i am really not that alone though i am not sure how it could help in any other way.
Well i guess then this is life for me for now.. until and unless something is done about it.
//
I lay here in the dark. On my own. And I think of you. I see you in everything. You're every reason that puts a smile on my face. Perhaps I dont know much about life. But I am thankful that I was led to you. Most grateful indeed. Wanting and knowing that I want to spend the rest of my lifetime building a better life and having a happy family w u ...
And to know that we both have this to endure before anything else for now.. I just want you to know - I love you w all of my heart. And that I will... love u so for life.
I knew of true loves but I never thought it would be true for me. Thanks for showing me I'm worth the best and your love. Thanks for giving me your trust, faith and freedom to be me. I am happiest w you. Calm, Simple and happiest.
Love you most, my panda.
-bunny
How sad. But Its closure. Finally. Story does not end there. The black box must be found. It was however, still a deliberate act that the plane was first redirected. Why? Who?
We need answers. I do.
Been following the news fr this since day1. Always fancied bermuda triangle stories and What not. My heart has been w the flight so long... and Its just so so so sad. And so hard to listen to the radio when they played songs that sings: 'pls come home'. And now more emo songs.. and mj's 'gone too soon' .
Sigh. Life. Is but a fragile lil thing.
Love the people you love.
Be happy.
Bcos nothing nothing else really matters afterall.
Goodbye mh370.
Fanfuckingtastic. How is it I can be such a genius and got into such a wonderful and rewarding job. Like seriously! Best job in the world. So much I wouldn't even recommend it to my worst enemy.
Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!
I need another job please that can pay my installment. Fuck my pathetic life!
Raaaaah! I'm feeling so rawrr now. I wish I could be carefree. All the time in the world. Some money. And travel. See the world. And not be all cramped up here. Taking all this bullshyt. Life is more than this. But it seems that in order to break out of this one has to go through... something like this. Sigh.
I really wish I'm elsewhere. Doing something else.
I sound like a broken record but I felt that our relationship is more intense than ever... and this is five years down the road... not that I mind , but Its amazing.
We could only wish that this distance and feeling can one day bring us to a holy matrimony (chuckles) but perhaps not so soon.
Like I said, it is after starting work that I understand this married life thing... there's something about it that's very comforting and calming.
We both now really wish we could have each others company too... and that's just this much driving one can do. I'm really so exhausted w just the thought of driving....
But of course, having said that... Its a lot of things too. Not just about being together... but building wealth, making a family and much more....
Having said that... le seal is having her rom next month. So so soon! I'm so not ready to not have her at home anymore.... how wld it feel to 'lose' a sibling.... le sigh. I dunno. I mean I'm really happy for her but at the same time my heart is heavy....
At d meantime... I'm very happy too that friends are coupling up and tying the knob! Theres someone for everyone and everyone deserves to be happy!!
I'm so meh-feeling now. Like I am so apathic and not givinf a shit to anyone anything. Why why why why. I don't like this.
I also feel so alone and i wish time will pass by so quickly I don't feel a thing. Thing is I will only be standing at the same spot ... pining. For something to happen.
Gah.
I'm so .... happy. So grateful for the people I have around me. Cliche... but true. I am not a person of many friends. But Those that I have close to me are people whom I am so grateful and appreciative of having.
Kaofu - for standing in as a life coach and a father figure.
Mom - for the help despite the occasional nagging.
Mommypanda - for making me understand that there are truly such generous persons around.
Jing and K - for being my reason of joy in banland.
Binui - for being the weird sister.
Brahder- for being so helpful in times of need.
Jocey and simon - for being supportive and lending ur ears... to this ranty friend.
The moscow gang and of course, sararah - for always bringing me a smile when I go nostalgic. To know that I have befriended u all and have u all in my life.
And last but not least, my panda. Who has been my pillar, my source of love, my nom buddy , my laughing friend, my traveling kaki. I love you so much and I don't know how I'm capable of loving you even more and more each day. Its just amazing.
Ok that's all. I'd like to say! I'm really thankful for you all... for taking care of this clumsy bunny. Very lucky bunny indeed.
