capital D.

hi blog. it's been some time. i've been ... btwn trips home/ panda loft / glenmarie / banland and whirlwinds of house viewing and night shifts and day shifts. it has kinda come to an end this week with much less of night shifts, which also means less travelling. to think of it, i've been on the go every single chance i get to, pre and post nights. eeeeep. i just couldn't bear the idea of staying put here and being alone. waiting for work. saddest thing to happen. so i just try to nap as much before and during nights. but really 2 weeks of that made me realize, it's reeally quite taxing.

sigh. where do i begin. i have 3 days at the acute. tmrw being the last. it was quite a horror. being blast at. being in a quicksand of work. though it was nerve wrecking and being at the rim of tears so many times... and of course, thoughts of giving up every now and then. it will soon pass. and i find comfort and refuge in a person called panda.

somehow. knowing and loving this very person could still lead your dreams to betray you. i guess i do miss all the cuddlings and physical contacts. i'm such a huggy huggy person (er w my boyfie btw) that all these months of deprivation ended me up in the arms of someone foreign IN A DREAM i may add. i'm not sure is it the excitement in someone new or is it the familiar feeling of being held and feeling safe is giving me the kick... but.... i just fucking miss being held la for fucks sake.

i though must on the other hand, not lose my sensibility. le panda has just left this morning (kl time) for amland. which was what i could have if i didn't choose london/paris over it. well.... we had our time in london. i guess we can never have the best of both worlds. but i guess le panda did. eeeeeee jelly.

which means i will be without le panda for a week. fucking sucks. as though being apart is not bad enough. how does one miss someone ever more when he's already so far away. i guess the literal and physical distance DOES have the effect. no la.... its just that he might be further in a sense that... there might be less contact with the temporary loss of connection. which i think should not happen. hmph.

sometimes i do think too much. i shall let him have the benefit of doubt. my doubt.

//

on the other hand, i'm so confused now. i don't know what i want. well i know i wnt freedom. that kind of freedom that you don't and won't have to worry about many things. but to get there..... one needs moe than perseverance. with what i'm lacking up there, i might just need..... something more. sigh. but on some days... it's jus so hard. w motor mouth specialists and mediocre mos grinding you on a daily basis. i'm wearing thin. i'm being tested. and i'm ... giving way.

i wish i could throw my hands up and say ' i have enough. screw you guys. i'm out of here. and i'm leading a fucking better life than you all sad mofos.' but i'm wayyyyyyyyy behind until i could really throw it all away.

HOW LONG MORE.

it is true. the first step IS the hardest.

but i 'm scaared to death... knowing that i how depressing it would even more be... to know you have to cling on to this thing that occupies your life called job for the end result in paper notes. and that's really all i need. but now i'm trading it with my what's left of my pride, but most of all my time. which is... what i'm planning NOT to have anymore in the future.

How.

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i'm okay. i'll pick myself up from this dead valley. soon.